Alone

After all I've been through long ago uptil now I've found something out. I'm better off with no one. I've deleted all accounts but this one. I went from around 20 emails to two. No facebook anymore. I don't text much and a broke up with my gf. I've dropped my therapist. I'm back under the blade. I have a razor and I use it. I will post like normal when school starts up (Aug. 7th) and I'll check others blog then as well right now it's safer for me and everyone else for me to be alone. I'll still take the bipolar pills along with a few pain meds through out the day so I can stand to smile.
I'm at my brothers again. I got here Sunday and I'm staying until Sunday. I'm going to read now. I'll see you the 7th.

Advise: Pain can hurt but it helps the head heal... I know...

-Mary'K

Party

So the concert I went to was fun. I got a bunch if pictures and video but I haven't uploaded them yet sorry. Tomorrow I'm going to my nephews birthday party and then going to an over night party. I went to the doctor chick to see what kinds of meds I need and apparently I'm either manic depressive or bipolar. They couldn't decide but the know I have emotional issues. I'm on some new meds I started today. I can't remember the name so I'll post it tomorrow. I've been a little stressed from all this time home with my folks but schools almost here. I'm almost free. Now I'm gonna go to bed cause I'm pooped. I'll read your blogs and comment tomorrow. I hope everyone else is well. :)

Not so random outburst: Happy late Friday the 13th!!!

-Mary'K

Up and down

Sorry I've been mia. I'll write a update post with some pitures and video tomorrow. Promise.

-Mary'K

Answer

I have no energy to write a full post. To clear up what Rei asked just because I hang out with people doesn't mean they know me. I can't talk to them about my problems. I can't let them in. I have to talk to them or else I'm always home. Which is the worst place for me.

-Mary'K

Write later...

Sorry I haven't read other blogs in a while. No time now either. I was at a concert last night and got up around 10:30. I'm going to my friends later too. Pictures and more of a story later. Tt4n.

-Mary'K

Really quick

So I've been crazy busy. I'm back home now. I'm going to a concert tomorrow and spending the night at one of my best friends. I'll write a whole page tomorrow. I'm not feeling to well and I'm pooped from chores ALL day.

Random advise: always read the label before consuming.

-Mary'K

Why the meds were here

I was having a good day. I got a skirt and rented some books from the library. Went to my bros job with my sis-in law and nephew and helped out. He's a computer fixer basicaly. I was good until the pain in my back and neck wouldn't leave. I thought it would but it's still here, sigh. That's the reason I was on the pain killers. I was dealing good without them... Until the pain returned. Now I'm going to sleep. I'll try to anyway. I'll check blogs tomorrow. Night. I hope this pain divides a little or else I'll need to leave. Ugh.

Random advise: you're ontop of the world until you fall.

-Mary'K

Books and not bitchy

So I'm still at my bro's. Today my sis-in-law April, my nephew Ian, and I went out. We went to Barnes and Nobles and I got some skeleton animal stickers. They're really cute. (check out skelanimals.com) Then we went to Borders and I got two books. After that we went to the most amazing grocery store. It was huge and had everything. A chefs dream. Anyway April got me some sushi and I loved it. X) I also forgot to say I got a new lunchbox yesterday. It's pink and hello kitty. X) so I'm still not in the best mood but I'm ok. My belly and head hurt but I'm not bitchy anymore. I was earlier.

So now I'm talking to my gf and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I wonder what I'll do tomorrow.

Random advise: some things are best left unsaid.

-Mary'K

No longer depressed

I feel like a contradiction. I miss the touch of people. Giving a hug, holding hands. Just the simple things. But I'm scared to touch anyone. I'm afraid a friendly touch will turn badly so if I'm touched by someone I let go. Right now it's not like I'm in a bad or depressed mood. I just feel lonely. I mean the computer is great but not the same as a person. I just feel kind of empty. I just don't know how to handle it anymore. Lashing out won't help and cause of my feel I can't right up hug someone for more than a few seconds. :( I just feel kind of empty and lost.
The one thing I fear most is I'll never come to terms with myself. I'll end up alone to scared to make a move forward and to hurt and rejected to get help.

I can really feel the with draws too. I'm tempted to go home just to take some pills. I thought back today. Thinking were I went wrong. I remember when I was little. Around 9. Before anything went wrong. When I loved all my family and friends. When I wasn't sick. Wasn't scared. Wasn't hurt. I remember the day at school I hated most. I was in the library at my old school. My little private catholic school. I was in my knee high socks and pleated skirt. I loved my uniform. I remember these two boys. They started making fun of me. Calling me fat. Calling me ugly. Telling me I was dumb. And I believed them. They made me mad and I tried chasing them. We were running all around the library. The librarian took us to the office for it. That's when I started lieing. The moment I went into the principles office. I knew it wasn't my fault but I knew I'd still be in trouble. I let out my emotions and started to cry. From being so angry and hurt by those guys. When the principle said it was ok and told me to calm down I put on my show face. I started acting like a true artist. Saying that I didn't mean to cause trouble. Saying i didn't want to call my parents cause they were at work and would be angry. Saying when they were mad they yelled at me and made me feel bad. That day o discovered I could make people believe anything. I didn't get in trouble. My parents still don't know.

I've been an actor almost half my life. For years I made up truths to make me sound how I should. Make it so I wouldn't get on trouble. So I wouldn't get hurt. Now I look in the mirror wondering why'd I let it go this far. Drinking. Street drugs. Persription drugs. Over the counter. Cuts. Bruises. Abuses. Smoking. I even cut my hair. I'm fat and the only thing that let me feel safe was my hair. Now it nearly reaches the tip of my nose. I lost myelf. I have no one to blame. No one but me. I'm not even sad anymore. Not angry or upset. Maybe a little disapointed. But mostly empty.

Random question: would you have rather loved and lost it or have never loved at all.

-Mary'K

Good mood...

So today I went shopping for some school clothes. I got a pair of jeans, A black shawl/jacket thing with the back made of glass, board short swim trunks (I'm going to a bday party with a pool so I had to buy a suit), sunglasses, and I got four graphic tee's. X)

Later my older brother came over with his folks cause they were having car trouble and wanted my dad to fix it. I ended up going home with them. Idk how long I'll be here but it's nice with out my folks. What's even better is my brother fixed my itouch(the thing is my life, I have a play list with all the albums I got from rei. Lol) and updated it so I can get new apps and stuff. Lol. I get the basement all to myself too! I get a tv and a bed and he's letting me use his wifi. Plus he gave me one of his of phones so no more big-bulky-duct taped-baby pink-phone. X)

I'm in my bliss right now. So now I'm going to go to bed. Oh, and my mom made the appointment for me to get some new antidepressants. I didn't bring any vicodin or lortab so idk how I'll be. I already want some and my back and killing me. I have nothing to cut with either. (No cuts today. Yaaaa!) I know I'll need to soon though, sigh. I'm hoping I can just get some ibuprofen and not go all crazy on my bro, step sis, and nephew. Night world.

Random advise: Sex and love aren't the same thing.

-Mary'K