~

There is nothing for me to say cause I'm sick of bitching and crying on here...

WTF?!

I've been hurt so many times it took all off my courage to go out with my gf. I know I like her but I always have the feel that I'll be abused by someone I trust. I can't even rely on my folks! All I have is Rei and my bff Ashley. Then I thought no I have a gf now I can confide in. That was until last night she started telling me how she use to abuse (literally) her gfs. Well we don't live by one an other so I have that comfort and I'm built like a linebacker so issues there. What scared me is when she said she hurt girls just to feel better about herself. Now she says she sorry about it. I believe her... until this is sent to me by her ex (I blocked out names)...

7:36pm(my gf)
Uh stop posting love stuff on my page

7:37pm(the ex)
why? why are youwith someone else?

7:38pm(my gf)
You left okay. And you got replaced

That's how life goes.

I told you you will hate yourself for going to UK without me

7:38pm(the ex)

I HAD TO GO!

it was a family thing!

plztake me back i need you

i will do anything for you tomorrow

anything

i will even take it up the ass again like you like it

just plz i need you

7:40pm(my gf)
Hah! Look at you

Begging for me?

You are all used up from me fucking you everyday. I don't want used up girls

You are so stupid

Letting me fuck you in the ass and hit you

See what "Love" does to you?

Haha

You make me sick

7:42pm(the ex)

HOW COULD YOU! YOU SAID IF I DID THOSE THINGS IT MEAN I LOVE YOU

YOU LIE

YOU LIE!!

7:43pm(my gf)
And what of it? I lie all the time

What can you do about it huh?

Cry your little tears

I told you before we started all of this that I was a bad person

What did you thought?

That you could change me? That I changed?

Hahaha

Don't make me laugh

7:45pm(the ex)

i will tell this girl the real you

i will tell everyone

7:45pm(my gf)
Stfu.You better not.

7:46pm(the ex)

I WILL

I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE

THIS WHOLE CHAT WILL BE SHOW TO HER!

I WONT LET OTHER GIRLS BE HARD BY YOU

7:47pm(my gf)
I didn't fucking hurt you! You said yes to everything I did to you

You wanted the pain you thought you loved me but really you just loved the pain I did to you

If you dare show this to her you will get it

7:48pm(the ex)

you cant hurt me anymore andrea

i wont let you

i wont let you hurt any more girls

good bye

7:49pm(my gf)
Fuck you!

...

Idk what the hell to think of this. I want to believe my gf but I don't want to end up believeing lies. I'm so lost. FUCK!!!!!! What the hell am I supposed to do now?! :'(

Random advise: Fighting fire with fire only gets you burned.

-Mary'K

Music, Dreams, Alone

I just woke up from the weirdest fucking dream! I w don't remember much but I was late for a party. He party was at like midnight and I was going to be late. Everyone had to dress like a certain stereotype and I couldn't pick one. So I got there late and no one was there. It was weird. o.0

Anyway Thanks to Rei and all her wonderful music I downloaded around 10 CD's and I'm going to download more. XD
I'm in such a good mood cause I'm home alone. No brother to bitch at me. No mom to whine and complain. I miss dad a little but he's at work so he's in a much better mood than normal. He's one of those people that has to work and can't just sit around. If he does nothing he gets depressed and stuff. Sad really. But it's all good now.

Random advise: Dont try licking a metal fan! (I feel REALLY random today)

-Mary'K

Tiger

This is my makeup. You can see the one that I based my makeup off of. The it took about 30minutes to white out my face and 20 for the other make-up. Hope you enjoy. The editted one I editted myself.

More

I took some pills. I feel like a loser. Idk what else to say. I've just been home talking to me gf all day feeling like shit. I'm not going to bitch anymore...

-Mary'K

Official

What I want and what I need use to be two different things... now they seem to be the same... :/

It seems I always go towards the medicine cabinet. Or I'll grab my tweezers to cut myself. I can't even use a razor. I don't feel the pain I want. I want to feel better but it seems like I'll feel good and get worse. I spend my money on drugs and I worry what'll happen when I run out. If my parents didn't have so many pain killers... I don't know where I'd be. When I get money I have to spend it fast or I know I'll go and get more of what I want. I feel horrible for being like this.

Last night I was up until four and couldn't sleep. My back hurt and I went to my stash of pills. I had Lortab, Tromadol, Vicodin, and my last bit of Coke. I was upset with myself for haveing to take these. I threw them at the wall. Powder fell and I felt the urge to lick it off the walls. I wiped it up but still wanted it. I want to feel that relief. I stayed up until 5 cleaning and crying. I ended up taking 3 Lortab and 2 Vicodin. Then I made a new cut. I feel like a failure. I am one. I wish I didn't need this. Before it was just something that helped me feel better. Now I feel like shit with out it.

I'm not sick anymore. That's how I found out how fucked up I am. I'm sick without my pills and with out pain. I just don't know what to do. When my mom gets back I want to make an appointment for some medicine. My therapist gave me the number. I just want to be who I was before all of this. :/

Random advise: You think that you're fine until you can't stop.

-Mary'K

Fucked up mind

So this morning or I guess afternoon I woke up at 1:30pm. I'm still sick so I crashed around 6pm. I woke up around 12:30pm from a bad dream.

It was the middle of winter and the sun was setting. I was crying and sitting on a swing. This old friend of mine I haven't seen for months showed up. He took me to his house and sat with me. We talked and then he tried making a move. I screamed and then I was in my room with my friend's ex. It was like a hotel but their were guns everywhere. He held me down and was trying to get in my pants. Then I turned into this monster and held him against the wall. Then all the guns were floating and they shot at him. Everywhere on me hurt and he died. Then I was in a white room. I was sweating and then I saw fire. It was getting closer and closer to me that's when I woke up.

It was a fucked up dream. If you think you know what it means please tell me. I'm normaly good with desifering dreams but this one was weird. Now I'm going to talk to my girlfriend and then go to bed. Wish me better dreams please. X)

Random advise: White shirts almost always look better when wet. ;)

-Mary'K

Sick still...

So I'm having hot and cold flashes instead of a runny nose. sigh. I'm sweating right now. grrr. Well nothing new other than my new semi bust schedule. Before the 18th I'm going to a consert and three B-Day parties. It doesn't seem like much but I feel loved. I also updated my facebook so that is says I'm in a relationship. Before it said I was widowed. haha. 7 people liked it and I've had countless people messgae and chat with me about it. Again it might now seem like much but it's nice to know people are paying some attention to me. Well I'm going back to bed.

Random advise: Magic is only real if you believe.

-Mary'K

girlfriend

So now I'm kind of in a relationship. This girl said they were really a guy. Now they said they lied and are a girl. We talked and I forgave her. Now we are kind of together. We only live a few hours apart but the distance still sucks. I'm in a better mode than before. I made this yummy homemade cake today. It was pink vanilla cake with white, orange flavored frosting. mmm. I felt great because my mom made a shitty dinner after making fun of my cake. X) It was a good moment for me.

Good news I scored some weed. It's no crushed. It's fresh and is the full leaf. I find it cool to really see it without being in little peices. XD I'm waiting to have it though. I'm sick right now. Just a cold but it sucks. I'm going to talk to my gf now. tehe.

Random advise: Grudges are lame so get the fuck over it. XD

-Mary'K

Calm

So I'm almost ready to leave. By tomorrow I'll be able to go if I need to. I have a friend down the street, a friend a few miles away, my sister who is a few cities over, my brother who is a few cities over, my aunt a few miles away, a friend a few states over, and another friend on the other side of the country willing to take me in. All these people, but one, I've helped in one way or another and they've offered a bed or couch for me. The one that I haven't really helped still offered a place and they're the one who said they love me. I really think I love this guy but I'm not commiting to anything in the state I'm in. Right now I'm in a pretty good mood. My family is in bed and some pain meds I took kicked in. X) I'm gonig to watch a few videos on the internet and then read until I fall asleep.

Random advise: Modern medicine can be a great thing.

-Mary'K

Depresion

Maybe someone can help me. I want to know what depression is. Not off google either. I mean if depression is all in your head how can it be fixed. I mean I've given my should to my therapist. She know ALL about me. I take my meds. I've even doubled the dose hoping to help but nothing. I just don't get it.

WTF?! While I was typing this my friend just said she loves me. They asked how I feel about their love. I told them I don't know. (I'm crying now) I just feel so stressed. I don't even know if I'm strait or bi or lesbian! I mean I use to like guys but now I like girls and I think I like her... FUCK!!! I don't know shit! I just want to scream and make everything better. I to know who I am. I'm all over the place. Right now I just want a friend. I know there is one other person there for me but I don't know them that well. They know more about me from my blog and fb than anything. I'm like hormones on speed. I'm angry at my friends and family for talking about me, I'm depressed I don't even know myself, I'm sad only my fb friend (girl who likes me) and one other friend I don't know all to well seem to care. I mean I've helped countless people through their problems and they don't bother to check up on me. whatever. I'm sick of bitching. Back to cleaning up and organizing my shit. I hope to move out of this hell hole soon.

My advise: Figure out who the fuck you are.

-Mary'K

Packing

I've realized that I'm done. I read my last post and realized I can't handle this crap anymore. I'm packing my things. I'm not sure how I'll get money for a pace or anything but I can't stay here any longer. I won't put things in boxes. I'll just have all I need to packed picked out and piled.

My advise: It's better to be alone.

-Mary'K

Fucking sick

I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. Not even talking to my friends helps me feel better. Of course I still have my horrible painful head aches. I'm used to those. What suck is when you're depressed, you know it, and you can't do shit about it. My medicine isn't working. My family and friends aren't helping. I mean it seems everyone talks behind each others backs and hate each other. There is only one person I have EVER talked bad about behind their back. A few I talked to there face but not many. Why can't pople fucking get along. I have gone through too much shit to have to deal with this. You name it and I'm sure I've had to deal with it. The only thing I haven't done is have my parents die. Well for me, on the inside, they have. They fight about each other. Talk bad about each other and their kids when only I can hear or they think no one is listening. I'm sick of my friends and family say they want to fucking kill themselves! They haven't dealt with the drugs, or the rape, or the pain, or the blood, or the cuts, or the burns, or the lies! They don't know a fucking thing! I'm sick of people complaining about their pety lives!!! People need to learn to just get the fuck along!
There I'm done. I'm going to go move furniture in my room. It' sbetter than cutting I guess. I wish I could call a friend but I know none of them want to deal with my shit. What a perfectly fucked up life I live.

Random advise: Trust no one but yourself.

-Mary'K

Pictures....

Email: perrottamk@aol.com
Password: ineedair

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/album.php?aid=2068131&id=1304410186
(my make-up, look at last page)

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/photo.php?pid=31448798&id=1304410186
(my fohawk, click the picture for another shot of my hair...)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=1304410186&aid=2030796&s=100&hash=a14845c84c687a2a2aad2e0ba4bca837#!/album.php?aid=2072478&id=1304410186
(pictures from my cottage and party)

I hope you enjoy and feel free to look through other photos. If something doesn't work tell me in a comment. X)

Random advise: Be your own person. X)

-Mary'K

Goth and sexting

I did my makeup like the profile picture. I will change it soon. I want to do some editing first. I'll post them all on here tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to troll some chat rooms with my friend and read up on others blogs. I also have therapy tomorrow and I'll write about that. Plus I'm getting my hair done!! The sides and back will be cut short. It will all be dyed black but the bangs will be bleached white blonde.

One thing I did want to write on here. I have found out about sexting! Me and a friend. He and I live in diferent states and we agreed that we don't want to date. So we sext. i found I should be a romance novelist because I would write half a page and then he would only say wow. HAHA! I just found this concept interesting. Technology can be great. XD

Random advise: If you send naked pictures make the person promises in a message to never show it. So if they do show it you can sue. ;)

-Mary'K

Taking forever

Long blog on the way. I'll look at all yours soon too. Promise.

After my BDay

My BDay was fun. I got to see some friends I hadn't seen for a while. My two besties and bestie cousin. I went shopping too. I celebrating being 16 by buying shit I know my mom would be pissed about mwhahahahah!!!
This is a list of what I bought:
10 gages
8 gages
3 bags of pixy stixs
The new Korn CD (My asshole little brother broke the case when he threw a tantrum. sigh.)
New cute and sexy black underwear (1red 1grey)
Black garter (zippers on the side. Lol)
Fishnet thighighs
Pocky and other jap dessert I can't remember the name of
Poster from awesome anime Vampire Knight
Chopsticks
Top hat ($4 it was a steal)
A present for my friends bday (sometimes she reads so I can't say)
A bag with the outside decorated in weed leaves XD
Insence

Not all of it is bad but you can see where a strict bitchy catholic mother would be pissed at her 16 year old daughter. X)
For presents I got
Two had made brasclets from my bff X) (black, white and silver with my nickname MK)
The newest Paramore CD I've been really wanting.
A super cute hand made popup card with $20 X) (it was epic)
A little plaque that matches the color of one of my walls with a beautiful saying
A book from my favorite series
A book about how to survive a horror film XD it's sooo funny. The same person gave me a journal to write about world domination plans. I'm serious. XD
I got $10 for McDonalds $20 for Khoals
Two wrist cuffs (one purple and black lace up one white with black button up)

So I think that's it. Nothing is new with me. I've been pretty heavy on the pain meds. I've also been having this really weird dream. Each night it's different. It's me and one of my friends kissing and when we kiss it's like ice. I try to puch them off and they won't go. When they finaly get off they dissappear. I say this won't work and walk away. That's when I wake up.

Random advise: Dont chew your nails it has more germs than a toilet seat. -Mahala (My New Zealand friend. XD)

-Mary'K (btw It's Mary'K or MK not Mary. It's a pet peave of mine. Just so you know.)

Bday

So I'm sitting here with my friends on my itouch. I had a good party. I lit this be on fire. I blew stuff up. I had a good time even though my folks royaly pissed me off. I'll have picture and more details tomorrow. My two besties and bestie cousin are spending the night. I kind of feel like crying. I feel like something horrible I coming. I hope nothing goes wrong...

Random advise: Its fun to blow stuff up.

-Mary'K

Idc

My party is stressing me out. So is my mother and father. So is money. Everything. I've gone back to cutting. I'm not drinking or smoking anymore. I guess no drinks or smokes is a plus. I'm also going back to my goth garb. I feel like dressing dark. It looked better on me and it better suits my mood. Now I'm going to listen to Emilie Autumn and check my various accounts. Then clean the rest of my room and listen to evanescence. I have to get up early tomorrow to mow the lawn and shop for this party. Then I'll be dying my hair black.

Plus today I went to the doctors. She told me I'm fat and need to lose more weight. Excuse me but I'm a solid 14 and I left weights. I can run a damn mile without stopping! She's such a fucking bitch! Then she asked if I'm depressed. I looked at her and said I am now. She ignored me. sigh. It didn't bug me that she said I was fat but I mean she could have at least said good job on losing 15lbs in a month in a half. Whatever... Just a little update for all of you.

Random advise: Hurting yourself helps the pain from others hurt less.

-Mary'K

Evil rei...

So it's about 3am. Why am I still up you wonder. Well I went to bed earlier and woke up from a horrible dream...

I'm sitting on a giant rock. I'm alone with tears streaming down my face. It feels like hours. Then a man walks up. A man I use to know and be friends with. A man I use to love. (from what I know I shouldn't be able to see him. Last time I saw him I put him in e.r. I heard he got out fine but he disappeared to another country.) I was on shock. "why?" I asked. When I tried to get up I started to fall. He caught me. "I had to tell you..." that's all he said and leaned in. Then he bit me!

That's when I woke up in a cold sweat. I blame rei since she said vampire and now I can't stop thinking about it. Sigh. I just thought you should know a little more about me. Ugh. Now I can't sleep. -mutters- damn vampires... Oh yeah and tomorrow I get to see eclipse. -bangs head on keyboard- of course! So I pin my sleeplessness on you rei. (mainly because I can't think of anything else and you know I love you anyway. XD lol) I'm going to try and sleep now. Goodnight world.

Random advise: vampires are big meanies that should stay out of my head!

-Mary'K

Unsure

I just don't know who I am anymore. I use to want to write and sing but now I'd kill to do something thrilling. Like be a spy or in the front lines of war. I thought I was strait but I can't even get excited thinking about a guy anymore. I thought I was an innocent person but I found out girls have broke up with their man because the girl thought he was cheating on her with me. NOT TRUE! I thought I was happy but now all I do is cry. I thought I was ugly and not worth shit but people keep telling me I'm beautiful. I just don't get it. Why did I change so much. I'm losing control! Some girl asked for my advise on how to stop cutting. She asked why I did. I couldn't think of an answer. Shit for brains me ruined my month and a half of good skin. I don't know me anymore. I'm not Mary'K. I'm changing.

All my skin problems are stopping. I don't need my glasses for reading anymore. I'm scared. I'm falling apart, or in this case being put together against my will. My most resent scar is as light as one that was from a two months ago. I want to see a doctor bit what am I supposed to say?! "I'm feeling better! Fix me"?! I can't sleep at night anymore either. I can't sleep until the sun is up. When I see the daylight I get so tired I fall asleep mid type. I think I'm finally going crazy! FUCK!!! I just want to know what wrong or right. My head stopped hurting as well. It hasn't hurt once in about a week when I normally have attacks several times a DAY! I just don't know anymore.

Random advise: don't ask Mary'K because she doesn't know shit!

-Mary'K

HERE!!!!

So it's late and I'm bored. lol. I'm in such a great mood! I feel a little bad because I'm draining my mothers and fathers pain pill but... I don't give a shit! lol.

So an update... I have therapy in two weeks for those of you who want to know (Rei). I'll go back in a week and a half. I'm trying not to dwell on the past. I've never said what happened to me out loud but I've talked to a few friends through facebook. It's way to fucking hot here. UGH!

I'll be sure to post more often from now on. I'll also get back to work on my other blog. It's been a little neglected. lol. I send love to all my readers!

Random quote:‎"Though I don't know what's happening, I can use my tounge to make a sakura branch into a butterfly knot." - Sebastian (From the anime Kuroshitsuji)

-Mary'K

home

I got back yesterday. I've been upset. I can't sleep or eat. I'm ready to give up. I keep thinking of the past. I try to smile and make myself happy but I just can't seem to do it. I want to just have my pain go away. Sorry this post is so short and sad. I just thought I'd tell you I'm home.

-Mary'K

Vacation

I'm going to my grandma's cottage for a week. I don't think I'll have Internet. I hope everyone has a good fourth and sorry I won't be able to comment. One week at a cottage on on the lake with no drugs alcohol or uneeded meds. No temptation. I'm literaly speeding typing on my itouch walking out the door. Bye! XD

Random advise: rushing is no fun.

-Mary'K

Rei?

I really wanted to send you a message. You always have the best advise but now I can't find you. What happened?! Is it something I said?! I'm sorry if it is and I'm sure you misunderstood. I never mean to hurt anyone. Just please reply.

-Mary'K

Nothing left

So everything hurt. My body, my thoughts, my heart, my everything. I'm falling to pieces. Everyone and myself think I should stop talking to this girl but I can't. The thing I hate is how she'll post how she loves her ex. It sucks. Facebook hurts sometimes.

I have therapy today. I might talk to the chick about it. Idk yet since I've only met her once. I'm not sure how today will play put but it feels like it's going to be shity. I'm crying again. I'm such a fucking mess. I just want someone here for me. Someone with no intentons other than to love me. I just want a hug but I'm scared of people touching me. :'( Im loseing myself and I'm not sure if I'll ever be normal agian.

Random advice: if feathers start spewing out of your pillow it has a hole in it. (my brothers an asshole for ripping it)

-Mary'K

Smoking, Tears, Girls

So the past few days have been hell. My great uncle died and it didn't matter to me much (I didn't really know him) but it was and is hard on my dad and grandma. My don't personally care about my grandma because she gets on my nerves and she's a stuck up snot but she puts more pressure on my dad. He gets more and more upset. He acts all fine and he's not. It sucks. Plus I ruined my no abuse strike. I had a few smokes. Mainly what I can get my hands on. I had one whole pack myself but now I have to search for half smoked cigs. It's pathetic. I think I still haven't cut or drank. I have gone into one new habit. I've been smoking weed. There is a guy in my neighborhood who sell the stuff and more but I'm not doing anything else. I like the stuff. It makes me giggle and smile. I feel like everything is OK but when it's gone I really crash. I don't get the munchies like most. I just want to sleep when it wheres off. It's like it takes all my energy. I've lost a lot of weight cause I just lost the desire for food. Weird to say I know but it's true. I can just fit in my 14 jeans. In the beginning of June I was in 18s. I also tried to snort vicodin. It was a pain in the ass to crush the three pill I had. (Your mother needing a new hip and having pain meds can be a good thing). It burnt like hell and I figured it would. It didn't do much that I realized. I felt a little out of it for around 30 45 minutes. I don't think I'll do it too often cause I know that shit can be really bad. (At least that's what I've heard.) I just thought I'd let you people know.

So to top off everything I've fallen hard for this one chick. Yes I said chick. X( I love her so much and would do anything for her but you know what's sick? I've never met her. We just talk to each other. She lives in New Zealand. sigh. I feel stupid one for falling in love with a girl. Two for falling in love with a girl in New Zealand. And three for always thinking about her and talking about her when I haven't even seen her face to face. sigh.

So now I'm sitting here after spending the last three days crying, getting high, and smoking. I'm out of weed and smokes and my eyes are red and puffy. I feel pathetic and lame. ugh. Now after saying how stupid I feel I'm going to stay up until 2 so I can talk to her. -hits head on keyboard- I'm a fruit basket.

Random advice: Long distance relationships don't work.

-Mary'K