The Afternoon

Bad news: Today it's about 86 out. In my house it's about 90. (This summer is going to kick my ass!) My mom is in a really bitchy mood.
Good news: My little cold thing is almost gone. I counted I only have 15 days of school left.
Now I'm going to finish cooking dinner. Then I'll eat. Then a COLD shower. Then bed. Welcome to my afternoon.

Random advise: "If you don't like my driving stay off the porch." lol (I can't remember where I heard it.)

-Mary'K

Sorry

So I'm home sick today. My nose is all stuffed and crap. sigh. My mom still won't give my back my medicine either. I have been asking but she just won't give them to me. I really do listen Rei. It's just hard to do. I've been like this all my life. I do try to change but I always seem to fail. I don't feel as bad this morning. I don't have much to say. I just thought I'd say I'm sorry to Rei mainly. I do try but... I guess I just can't suceed. I will keep working on being honest though.

Random Advise: If at first you don't suceed, try try again.

-Mary'K

Why can't I give up?

I know almost every blog is depressing. This isn't much different...

So those anti-depressants were working pretty well. The only problem is I'm to good of an actor. I smile and pretend life is good. My mom says I don't need them because I'm not depressed. She says I just want something to make myself feel better and I don't really need it. So I haven't taken them for a week or so. I can really see the effects. I just can't show my mom. My mom even saw some of my scars on my stomach. I couldn't tell her that there is more that I hurt so much. She just blew it off.

I've officially lost one of my few friends. I'm down to only two now. My friend said he'd be there if I need him. He wasn't there. I hate this. I hate that I hurt so much. Now one of my two friends Caitlyn says she's always be there for me. Well that guy said he would be there for me. So did the guy who knocked me up. So did my use-to-be best friend. (I started crying again) I was crying on the phone with Caitlyn. She asked me if I was crying. I said no. You know you suck when you can't even tell your best friend that you hurt.

My nose is stuffed. My throat hurts. I keep coughing. My stomach still hurts. My chest still hurts. Some times I just wish I had the courage to give up.

I mean what the fuck do I have left! I may be smart but I'm sick so much I don't know anything! I may be pretty(that's what people say at least) but what is the use of that? What a good man when I grow up? It won't matter cause I'll always feel like shit! What do I have? Really?! You can tell me something I have but I'll tell you why it's fucked up and doesn't matter.

When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up I could list off a million jobs. All I really want is to smile. A real smile. I want to just feel happy. I just feel like that'll never happen. My health keeps getting worse. I fall deeper into depression. I'm so upset I don't care anymore. I just want to have all the pain go away. Yet I can never come to "really" hurt myself. You know your life is sick and twisted when you're mad at yourself because you won't kill yourself.

Random advise: Sometimes it's best to just give up....

-Mary'K

My wish....

(A fill in the blank poem. lol.)

I wish for your kiss.
I hope you'll brand your lips to my skin.

I wish for your touch.
I hope you'll hold me in your tight embrase.

I wish for your voice.
I hope you'll speak to me as more than a friend.

I wish for your smile.
I hope you'll laugh and that laugh will take hold of my heart.

I wish for _____.
I hope you'll see I want you to be mine forever.

Sincerly, your love _________.

My Long Weekend

So I will update you on the past few days I had this week.

Wednesday- I went to school and felt like crap. I was miserable all day. I also found out my dad quit his job. No we have no money coming in.

Thursday- I stayed home yet again.

Friday- I felt great all day. I had a good day at school. When I got home it was about 5 and I was making me and my brother a snack. Out of no where my lower stomach started hurting. I was doubled over in pain. I tried going to the bathroom but nothing worked. My mom drove me up to ER. When I got there I had to get some blood drawn. The moron of a woman I had took forever trying to find the vein. I really didn't mind that she couldn't find it since I have very small crappy rolling veins. (My doctor always says I'd be a crappy junkie lol) What bugged me was the woman half-hazzerdly put the needle in and couldn't find the vein so she swirled the needle around. It hurt like hell and was almost worse than my stomach pains. (I have a bruise now) Later I had some tests done. I had to get an IV too. The IV sucked. The doctor couldn't find a vein and when she did find one it was on the inside side of my right wrist. She tried about six times and then gave up and looked for another vein.She finally found something in my left hand. Most of the night was a blur. The doctors told me I have swollen limphnoids (idk if it's spelt right) which means it'll hurt like hell but I need to just wait it off. I ended up leaving at almost 4am.

Saturday- I had a boring day home. Then I spent some time at my friend Ashley's. I had some fun with my make-up for world goth day. lol. Then we sported our fabulousness at the drive-in with her, her sister, there friend, me, and their mom (my other mommy). We also had her little puppy princess. X)

Sunday- I had a late moring and then me and my folks ate dinner with my grandma. After that my friend Caitlyn came over and we hung out. After that we all went to church and Caitlyn came back to my house. It was nice hanging out.

Today- My dad still has no job. sigh. Right now I'm really bored. Later I'm going to a lady's banquet with a few kids from my school. I'm going to talk to Caitlyn on the phone before I leave.

Sorry I wrote so much.

Random advise: Sometime things are better left unsaid.

-Mary'K

No Therapy

So I went to what I thought was therapy today. I was wrong. I went to get assessed, but first we had paperwork. We had almost twenty pages of it. I swear I wrote out my life's story. It asked questions like "when did you start crawling?" and "When did you first smile?". We ended up taking over forty-five minutes on just paperwork.

Once we finished I had a lady ask me and my mother a bunch of questions. I freaked out and decided not to tell the truth. I smiled and laughed and acted like nothing was wrong with me. I lied when they asked if I smoke. I let my mom tell the lady I only drink every once in a while in front of my parents. It'll only be one glass of wine. I said I'm a devoted Catholic who loves my church. I said I never want to hurt myself or other people. I said I have never even thought of cutting. The woman thought I didn't need therapy. She said in a few weeks I can leave it if I want because she saw nothing wrong with me. This was due to my acting skills.

The rest of the day I spent with my mom up until now. We got lunch and rented some movies. We watched Valentines Day. We also stopped by the bank and her church. I want to cry now. I feel like I failed myself. No. I know I failed myself. I keep saying I need help but I always quit in the end. I have to wait until my real appointment now. Another two weeks of worry.

I'm ready for this to be over. I want my head to stop hurting. I want my back and neck to stop causing me pain. I want to stop crying. I want to stop hurting myself. I want to be more confident. I want to really smile and not just grin so other will be happy. I want a life. I want a life that's not my own.

Random advise: Sometimes acting can get you out of trouble. Other times it can pull you deeper into trouble.

-Mary'K

Getting Ready for Tomorrow

So my head has hurting really bad yesterday then got worse this morning. This morning was really bad. I spent most of first hour in the bathroom crying. I got lucky (if you call it luck) and remembered I brought my tweezers with me and spent a bit of time in the bathroom before seventh hour cutting. I only made one new scar which is good. The rest were just old scars.

I'm not sure what to think of my new anti-depressants. At first they made me really hyper but now they don't seem to do much. Tomorrow I start taking them twice instead of once a day. I also have my first therapy session tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. I'm doing some research on therapy. (I like facts) I want to make sure I say nothing to get me in some little white room. I also don't know anything about this doctor so I'm looking for tell tale signs a someone who is a fraud.

I'm ready for the summer to come. I'm ready to be done with all this drama and just run off to my sisters. I want to stay at her house all summer. We're still discussing it though. I just hope it all works out.

Random advise: Stareing at the computer trying to come up with random advise for twenty minutes is a waste of time. lmao

-Mary'K

My weekend...

So I've had one looooong weekend. I got to spend all my time with one of my bffs aswell. X) Then yesterday we hung out with my other bff. It was all my best friends but one (he's out of town). Now I'm just sitting on my bed. I just finished my homework and my friends asleep next to me. lol. Later I'm going to watch "300" with my two besties and eat some of my supertastical PASTA!!! lol.

I'm in such a good mood today. X)

Random advise: When smores drip down your shirt it is not wise to say, "I have sticky white stuff all over me!" LMAO

-Mary'K

(twitch)

Can't think... is too hyper... will type tomorrow...

Home sick again

So today I stayed home sick. I cried almost all morning. I get so upset knowing I miss so much school and I don't feel well. I'm feeling better now, thank the gods. My mom almost said my friend couldn't spend the night this weekend. That would have sucked. I'm so excited for this weekend. I'll get to spend two nights with one of my close friends. Plus my nephew is going to be there! He's awsome. lol. Maybe I'll post a picture of all of us. Well I can't think of anything else to write about. I'm goint to finish up my next entry for my other story blog http://theforgottengoddess.blogspot.com/. The new one is going to consit of quite a few days so it won't be posted until tomorrow or the day after.

Random quote: "-waves gun- This is my rifile! -gropes- This is my gun! -waves gun-This is for fighting! -gropes- This is for fun!" -Stewie from Family Guy. LMAO XD

-Mary'K

A poem

This is something I wrote and put on my facebook. I was listening to a song and thought of a friend....

If I leave will you miss me?
If I disappear will you look for me?
When I cry will you dry my tears?
When I call will you calm my fears?
If I said I love you what would you say?
If I held your hand would you let go and stray?
When I need a friend will you be there?
When I ask for help will you assist or stare?
What would you do?
I know if it were me I would miss you, look for you, dry your tears, calm your fears, I say I love you, I would hold your hand tight, I will be there, I will always help, and I would love you always and eternally.

I will forever be yours, MK.

Random advise: Sometimes just the thought of them can make you smile. :)

-Mary'K

Feeling worse (I hate feeling all emo)

Tonight I start my anti-depressants. It's a good thing too. I've felt really depressed. Since my friend is having all these pregnancy things come up it's been bugging me. You see I haven't known the best guys in the world. I keep having bad dreams. It sucks. This is one guy for example. Freshman year (last year) I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of the year. I was stressed I didn't want to let anyone know. I just wanted it gone. Then when I had a miscarriage three weeks later I was so sad. Few of my friends and none family know. It was the worse experience ever. The guy wasn't there for me either. He was 18 and just felt like leaving me with no number or contact info at all.

Some people say I don't know hurt. When I get headaches they tell me to tough it out because I don't know pain. I tell those people to fuck off because they don't understand. The miscarriage is the reason I have all these infections I think too. They happened around the same time. I can't stand who I am sometimes. I feel like a broken, fat, ugly, stupid, crazy, depressed person who has no hold on their life.

I wish I could get better.
I wish I could be happy.
I wish I didn't have to hurt myself to feel better.
I wish I wasn't me.

Random advise: Depression hurts so who will help?

-Mary'K

(P.S. Please don't give me some pity party. It's the last thing I want. I didn't write this so you would feel bad for me. I wrote it to tell you about me and my current life and nightmare.)

After the Talk

I met up with my friend today. I had to get her things from her place and bring them to her friends. Then me and her other friend hung out. She's so upset. I try telling her things could be worse but it doesn't seem to help. I'm really trying my hardest. When ever she cried I kept biting my lip. It's really hard for me to cry infront of people so I just kept biting. Now my bottom lip is swollen on one side. (Spaghetti my favorite dish made it burn.) I know hard hard this kind of thing is to go through. She's not the only person to have this happen. Mahybe she'll have a miscarage and consider herself lucky. (If you think that's lucky. To each his own I say) All I hope for is I can stay by her side. I hope she lets me stand beside her.

Random advise: Not all things are as bad as they appear.

-Mary'K

Good or Bad...

It's monday. Monday's always slow. Today I had a long day at school. I figured I'd have a boring day at home. Maybe have a friend come over. When I got home I looked at my facebook and got a message. My friend was really worried. I knew something was wrong. I got ahold of her and found out she was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. A pregnacy is supposed to be a happy thing but this isn't happy I can tell she's upset. Idk what to do. I wish I could make her happy. I'm going to see her soon. I hope I can make her smile. Any advise?

Random advise: Stress will only make things worse.

-Mary'K

The Aftermath

I woke up feeling like shit today. I drank more than I ever have before. I once had a light hangover but it wasn't much. I feel like shit right now. It's been a boring day. Nothing fun for mommy day. I read over my last post and I'm glad no one was over. I seriously woke up a thought I dreamt a few conversations... I was wrong. There are "some" typed words to "some" friends (more like 6. sigh.) I'd like to take back. sigh. I feel really depressed. I hope the meds I get tomorrow will help. I seriously need to back off the drinking. I was doing great and had no smokes or alcohol since the 26 of April. I failed.

Idk what to think about me saying I like girls either. I really don't know. UGH!!! This is frustrating! I hate falling into the stereotypical teenager section. The one whose stupid and confused and can't find them self. -bangs head on screen- (owwwwwwww) I need to ponder this. The girl I was talking about read this right after I wrote it too. sigh. Idk what to say to her. She'll probably read this soon anyway. She is going to spend two night this coming weekend as well. (If you're reading this I really don't know what to say to you right now. I'm sorry.)

A note for Rei: When I cut it's like getting high. I'm happy and giddy and feel amazing. When it starts to scab is when I feel depressed. That's not until a few days later though. sigh. When that happens a feel the need to cut again. Then I'm all happy again. Btw if things don't work out with Rob and you're single I bet I'll be available in just a few more years. Hell! Now sounds fine. I won't tell if you won't lol.

Random advise: Know your limits...

-Mary'K

Fucked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

I'm am so fucked up right now. lmao. Idk how much I drank but it was great. My dad's been drinking a little (not getting drunk or nothin') but he hasn't noticed. I also had a smoke. I feel fucking great!! I feel like wreaking some havic!!! So my cousin came over. It was fun I guess. I was hoping my one friend would stop by. I feel like getting fucked by a girl. Don't judge me! Anyway she didn't come over. I ended up doing shit on my own. I reopened a few scars too. I feel GREAT!!! I haven't been with anyone in so long. It's all because some asshole of a man didn't know what no meant. What ever though. I got over it and I'm ready for a new man! or woman!! lmao. I have the hiccups!. I feel like I'm gonna hurl. haha. Well I'm taking a shower. I feel like some more scars are in order. I'll be so fucked up for mothers day!! XD
I don't give a shit though. ok well nighters!

S!LLY PH0T05

So I spent most of my week in bed feeling like shit. Thursday I went to the doctors about my chest. It all went fine but I ended up have a few break downs. The doctor is getting me on some happy pills and I am now in therapy. I'm glad that I finaly get to go. I've gotten a lot of homework done to which is nice. I'm almost caught up in school.

Today has been pretty awsome so far. I went to a birthday party my nephew was invited to. These are two pictures of me and my crazyness. XD...



(I had to have my sister help me get out.)




(sexy no?)

So now my cousin is coming over. I just thought I'd share what's been going on. Later I have a wonderful story to tell you guys. XD

Random advise: Prpare for awsomeness if you hang out with me!

-Mary'K

More tear + More pain = An upset Mary'K

So I stayed home from school today. I'm so glad the year is almost over. I have 36 days until the last day of school. I've missed about 80 days this year. I know there are a lot of people who think I missed school because I just didn't want to go. To those people I say (with as much sarcasm as I can muster),"Yes I waste half my life laying in bed crying for the hell of it. Yes I love missing school and getting behind in all my classes. Yes I love being know as a failure." If you didn't guess I'm not in a very good mood. I'm in a lot of pain. My chest hurts so bad. I don't know what I did but it's hard to breath and I feel like I can't catch my breath. If it gets much worse I'm having my mom take me to the E.R. I feel like I'm physically falling apart. This has also made me cut more often which I know isn't helpful. I need to fix my problems fast. Sometimes I'm afraid for myself.

I do have some good news. I found out I might have a new place to live for the summer. My best friend -hugs- Ashley might take me in. I can't wait to leave this house. I can get away from all the bad temptations. I'll have no alcohol or smokes. I won't have to yell everyday. I just hope it all works out.

It started raining again... It seems the weather is like my mood, it will be bright and sunny then that one little cloud will get in the way. That cloud will ruin gardens and soak the friendly joggers. It's a sad cycle really. I just hope that stupid cloud can get out of the way soon . Sometimes I miss the sun.

Random advise: Sometimes you just need to cry to make yourself feel better.

-Mary'K

More problems

I feel like crying. My mom has been mean to me all day but I can't leave. I hurt so bad I don't even want to go for my daily walk. I feel like a five year old who can't do anything for themselves. I'm hungry but I don't think I'll be able to stand long enough to cook. I'm as healthy as ever yet I keep being short on breath. My chest keeps getting tight and my backs has been hurting more. My head hurts so bad. It's just been a bad day. I don't feel like typing anymore. I hurt my wrist so it's a pain to type. I hope tomorrow is better. I'll call my doctor tomorrow... sigh.

Random advise: A day can turn from bad to worse, you just have to remember that it could go from bad to great.

-Mary'K

The car (pointless post)

I just wrote out a whole 6 paragraphs about my night! Then it was all deleted. It's a sign. I'll just let you all know that I have a guy who likes me. I like him back too. We won't go out though. We dicided it's no what we want. If you're reading this thanks for trying to help Cait. Well it's time for bed. goddnight world. Pleasent dreams. (Btw, my manga was great and my back didn't hurt to bad. Thanks for asking Rei!)

Random advise: Sometimes it's better not to rush things.

-Mary'K

My brother's house

So today I went to my older brothers house. Me and my folks saw his soccer game and then we went back to my brother's house for lunch. Later I went shopping with my sister-in-law. I didn't get anything and she didn't get much but it was nice to get out. Later my older bro left and me, my nephew, my little brother and my sister-in-law got ice cream went to the library and stopped by the store. I got a book I need for school and a new manga series at the library! -excited- My head and neck hurt but I didn't bring any medicine. sigh. I'm hoping the couch I'm sleeping on tonight won't put my in too much pain.

All in all it was an ok day. Now I'm going to get back to my manga. Have a great night world!

Random advise:(Too tired to think of something)

-MK