Home Sick

Everyone has their good days and their bad days. I'm not sure what today was. Let me start with yesterday.
So yesterday I went to the doctors and the chick said I need to go on a diet. Now I know I'm a big girl. I do weigh 210 but I also have double D's and broad shoulders. Plus I'm about 5'6''. She told me I need to lose weight and drop a few sizes. I'm a size 16! That's just above if not average. I think I'm fine they way I am and it took me all day to figure that out. That was yesterday.
Today I stayed home sick. My head hurt really bad. I think I might have some anxiety issues. I don't want to say I do but I think I might. I just wish I could talk to a trained professional about all my issues. Here are the problems... I don't have the balls to talk to my sis. I don't want to talk to my folks. I don't want my friends to know. I now hate my family doctor. I'm such a screw up.
Anyway I'm gonna finish up my English project. I'll post some pictures tomorrow if I can. I'm crossing my fingers for a better day tomorrow.

Random statement: Gorilla glue is really great for gluing bark to plastic.

-Mary'K

Winter Guard

I'm not quite sure what to write. Everything has been a blur lately. I've had a lot of guys in my life lately too. My friend Tyler has been talking to me a lot lately. I miss him. You see he goes to my old school and I won't see him next year because he's going to college. Then my other friend wants to have sex with me. I said I don't want to and he keeps asking. It's not like he's making me but he'll ask and give a puppy dog face. It's kinda cute really but no is no. Then my friend (we'll call him bob)Bob... well there's not much to tell. I went to his winter guard performance (it's like color guard). He gave me the best back rub ever X). Then later we were in the school hallway trying to leave. It was packed (one hallway and over 20 teams). SO he pushed me against the wall and it was funny until he started tickling me. You see our other friend (his ex) is shorter than me. So he meant to tickle my lower stomach... well since I'm taller he went a little lower. I could feel my face turn red. He said sorry but I really wish he'd done it on purpose. He's like perfect for me but he doesn't like me. He's so perfect for me. He's tall, smart, good with cars, like the same music, likes the same books (we read the same series), we both like anime, and he wants to get a motorcycle (HOTTTT). I want one really bad too. I don't know what to do. I don't know where my life's going. No one said life was easy though. I smile more so that's enough for me. When I think of Bob everything melts away. If I think of doing something stupid I won't because I know if I do I won't see him. I even stopped cutting!! If I ever to get with him I don't want to fear that I might tear a scab. I hate using the word love but... I think I might need to use it if I get my way.

Random fact: Winter guard is way to hard if you are flexible, fast, and coordinated. It's hard for me anyway...

-Mary'K

I'm alive

There's not much to say. I just wanted people to know I'm still here. I just got back from a two mile jog and two mile walk. Now I'm bored. I'm pressed even more to talk to my mom aswell since stupid me had a breakdown at school and cut my leg. I think I got it infected. I guess I should have know not to use that rusty screw I found in the hall way. I'm taking a shower than I might read. I just hope the room stops spinning first. I haven't had any med for two days either so that's not helping the cause. My mom need to refill her pills...

Random fact: My mother is sitting behind me watching t.v. It is so weird to type this knowing she's only 2 yards away. If only she would look at the screen. If only I wasn't a coward.

-Mary'K

Nothing

There is nothing really important to say. I just can't think of what to do. I can't consintrate on homework or even read a book. (I love reading) So now I can't think of what to do. I did find out my parents are very unobservent. On facebook sometimes I'll put a sad status. Nothing strange or out of the ordianry. I type out things I would say all the time, but it seems like everyone knows somethings wrong. I noticed if someone hasn't seen my face they know how I feel. My one friends sent me a message saying they're just a phone call away I responded I'm fine and if I need something I'll call. I ended it with a smiley face. After I sent it I started crying. Why can't I just tell people the truth. Also I totaly chickened out when I tried talking to my sis. So what did I do... I opened an old scar.

I got rid of any razors in my room. I even threw out my tweesers! I did all I could to keep myself safe. No matter what I do I still find something... I'll break a plastic spoon... I'll get a pencil... I'll find a saftey pin... I've used my nails (I cut them down to nubs now).

I just wish someone would stop me but only one person knows. She doesn't know how bad it is. Recently I can't just slice. I scratch and scratch until I have a two inch deep scar. I'm scared. I started crying again. I'm gonna take something and lie down. I can't go to bed since I have to babysit my little bro later.

Random statment: Pie can equal two things... either it's a type of pastery or 3.14159... (I hate math class)

-Mary'K

Weird!

I've felt so off lately. I haven't been feeling well and I just can't seem to pay attention to school or my folks. I'm so "off balance". I just feel like crying. I keep seeing bad things happen in my head. It's like a horror film but no one makes it out in the end. It feels so real. It use to happen a while ago but it stopped. Now it's coming back with vengence. It's horrible and they don't just come as nightmares. They'll come in the middle of the day! I thought I was loseing it in the hallway one day. I try to just forget about it though. I just pretend everything is fine but something really weird happened.

I think I've finally gone crazy. I just wish I could tell someone. I want someone infront of me that I can talk to. That I can hug. The one person I really need has enough issues of her own plus I just can't seem to tell her what I need to. I read a book called Speak and it was great, but it got me thinking. You see the book is about a girl standing up and saying she was raped. It's all about speaking the truth. I just wish I was that strong.

I hate feeling all depressed then have to fake a smile. If I act like I feel then I just want attention, but if I don't all the feelings build up. I just don't want to explode. I'm talking to my sister while I type.
The List of Things I Want to Say:
1)I'm a heavy drinker.
2)I'm an avid smoker.
3)I'm a cutter
4)I'm depressed
5)I've tried killing myself
6)I'm lonely
7)I want friends
8)I want to fit in
9)I have a lot of secrets
10)I see things that aren't there
11)I wish I could tell someone the truth

Random advise: Why is it when I vent about the bad things it makes me feel worse?

-Mary'K

Hair issues

So if you don't know I have really long hair. It's to my lower back ad it's strait as a board with no layers. I can't curl it cause it hates me and it's to long and thick to tease. Well it can be teased but it's way to much effort. So I wanna get it shaved and get a Mohawk. My mom is being a bitch and won't let me!! So I want a short scene cut. She's like it's too short I don't like it. I don't get why she cares! If she doesn't wanna look at it fine with me I don't like looking at her ugly mug either. So if she doesn't let me get it cut by Wednesday I'll just shave random spots on the side. Then she'll take me to the salon. If she doesn't I don't care. I like to stand out X) I'm proud of myself and I express my opinion. You don't like it tough shit XD I wanna color it too but my hell hole of a school doesn't allow unnatural colors. One of these days my mom's gonna piss me off and I'm gonna get a bunch of piercings and tattoos and color my hair. If she's not careful she'll be in for rude awakening. I'm not a bad kid. I know right from wrong. I listen. I'm a good student. Why can't she let me have this one thing.

She won't let me get a job either. I have to have some one drive cause I can't pay for drivers training. My family complains about money but they just don't get I can help out. I have my surgery tomorrow too. sigh. It won't be that bad. It's just annoying cause the surgery is another bill. Another complaint from mom. My friend has surgery Wednesday too. Her's is serious too. She has a sis on her throat. sigh.

Random advise: Take the bad things with a pinch of salt and take in the good like it's sugar.

-Mary'K

...

I'm not writing much. I'm really bored. sigh. I'm excited cause later after school I get to hang out with some friends. I really like this one friends of mine. Cross my fingers I don't make a fool of myself. lol.

Random advise: Don't ever go to Madison Academy. It's HORRIBLE!!!

-Mary'K