Triangle

So I'm dating a girl and a guy right now. We are all together. I know it will end well but it's so fun. I really find girls hot. -giggles- I LOVE women. ;)
I have to go now. I'll try to update more from now.

Random advise: Triangles can be very complex.

Love, Mary'K.

I'm here!

Yes I'm alive! So not much to say... I'll list what's happening.
I'm still in therapy.
I'm slowly coming to terms with some things from the past.
I still have a bitchy mother and I hope I can leave my house soon.
I still cut, not as much.
I'm in a new therapy, it measures brain waves and stuff. (for my headaches)
I've missed a shit load of school but I have a doc note excusing me for as much school as I wish.
I kind of have a bf.
I'm off bipolar pills because they made me worse.
I have new anxieties but I'm trying to get over them.

Soooo... yeah. Any questions just ask. I love you all! I will try to catch up on your blogs. Hope everyone is well.

Random advise: Don't give up.

Love Mary'K. X)

Alone

After all I've been through long ago uptil now I've found something out. I'm better off with no one. I've deleted all accounts but this one. I went from around 20 emails to two. No facebook anymore. I don't text much and a broke up with my gf. I've dropped my therapist. I'm back under the blade. I have a razor and I use it. I will post like normal when school starts up (Aug. 7th) and I'll check others blog then as well right now it's safer for me and everyone else for me to be alone. I'll still take the bipolar pills along with a few pain meds through out the day so I can stand to smile.
I'm at my brothers again. I got here Sunday and I'm staying until Sunday. I'm going to read now. I'll see you the 7th.

Advise: Pain can hurt but it helps the head heal... I know...

-Mary'K

Party

So the concert I went to was fun. I got a bunch if pictures and video but I haven't uploaded them yet sorry. Tomorrow I'm going to my nephews birthday party and then going to an over night party. I went to the doctor chick to see what kinds of meds I need and apparently I'm either manic depressive or bipolar. They couldn't decide but the know I have emotional issues. I'm on some new meds I started today. I can't remember the name so I'll post it tomorrow. I've been a little stressed from all this time home with my folks but schools almost here. I'm almost free. Now I'm gonna go to bed cause I'm pooped. I'll read your blogs and comment tomorrow. I hope everyone else is well. :)

Not so random outburst: Happy late Friday the 13th!!!

-Mary'K

Up and down

Sorry I've been mia. I'll write a update post with some pitures and video tomorrow. Promise.

-Mary'K

Answer

I have no energy to write a full post. To clear up what Rei asked just because I hang out with people doesn't mean they know me. I can't talk to them about my problems. I can't let them in. I have to talk to them or else I'm always home. Which is the worst place for me.

-Mary'K

Write later...

Sorry I haven't read other blogs in a while. No time now either. I was at a concert last night and got up around 10:30. I'm going to my friends later too. Pictures and more of a story later. Tt4n.

-Mary'K

Really quick

So I've been crazy busy. I'm back home now. I'm going to a concert tomorrow and spending the night at one of my best friends. I'll write a whole page tomorrow. I'm not feeling to well and I'm pooped from chores ALL day.

Random advise: always read the label before consuming.

-Mary'K

Why the meds were here

I was having a good day. I got a skirt and rented some books from the library. Went to my bros job with my sis-in law and nephew and helped out. He's a computer fixer basicaly. I was good until the pain in my back and neck wouldn't leave. I thought it would but it's still here, sigh. That's the reason I was on the pain killers. I was dealing good without them... Until the pain returned. Now I'm going to sleep. I'll try to anyway. I'll check blogs tomorrow. Night. I hope this pain divides a little or else I'll need to leave. Ugh.

Random advise: you're ontop of the world until you fall.

-Mary'K

Books and not bitchy

So I'm still at my bro's. Today my sis-in-law April, my nephew Ian, and I went out. We went to Barnes and Nobles and I got some skeleton animal stickers. They're really cute. (check out skelanimals.com) Then we went to Borders and I got two books. After that we went to the most amazing grocery store. It was huge and had everything. A chefs dream. Anyway April got me some sushi and I loved it. X) I also forgot to say I got a new lunchbox yesterday. It's pink and hello kitty. X) so I'm still not in the best mood but I'm ok. My belly and head hurt but I'm not bitchy anymore. I was earlier.

So now I'm talking to my gf and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I wonder what I'll do tomorrow.

Random advise: some things are best left unsaid.

-Mary'K

No longer depressed

I feel like a contradiction. I miss the touch of people. Giving a hug, holding hands. Just the simple things. But I'm scared to touch anyone. I'm afraid a friendly touch will turn badly so if I'm touched by someone I let go. Right now it's not like I'm in a bad or depressed mood. I just feel lonely. I mean the computer is great but not the same as a person. I just feel kind of empty. I just don't know how to handle it anymore. Lashing out won't help and cause of my feel I can't right up hug someone for more than a few seconds. :( I just feel kind of empty and lost.
The one thing I fear most is I'll never come to terms with myself. I'll end up alone to scared to make a move forward and to hurt and rejected to get help.

I can really feel the with draws too. I'm tempted to go home just to take some pills. I thought back today. Thinking were I went wrong. I remember when I was little. Around 9. Before anything went wrong. When I loved all my family and friends. When I wasn't sick. Wasn't scared. Wasn't hurt. I remember the day at school I hated most. I was in the library at my old school. My little private catholic school. I was in my knee high socks and pleated skirt. I loved my uniform. I remember these two boys. They started making fun of me. Calling me fat. Calling me ugly. Telling me I was dumb. And I believed them. They made me mad and I tried chasing them. We were running all around the library. The librarian took us to the office for it. That's when I started lieing. The moment I went into the principles office. I knew it wasn't my fault but I knew I'd still be in trouble. I let out my emotions and started to cry. From being so angry and hurt by those guys. When the principle said it was ok and told me to calm down I put on my show face. I started acting like a true artist. Saying that I didn't mean to cause trouble. Saying i didn't want to call my parents cause they were at work and would be angry. Saying when they were mad they yelled at me and made me feel bad. That day o discovered I could make people believe anything. I didn't get in trouble. My parents still don't know.

I've been an actor almost half my life. For years I made up truths to make me sound how I should. Make it so I wouldn't get on trouble. So I wouldn't get hurt. Now I look in the mirror wondering why'd I let it go this far. Drinking. Street drugs. Persription drugs. Over the counter. Cuts. Bruises. Abuses. Smoking. I even cut my hair. I'm fat and the only thing that let me feel safe was my hair. Now it nearly reaches the tip of my nose. I lost myelf. I have no one to blame. No one but me. I'm not even sad anymore. Not angry or upset. Maybe a little disapointed. But mostly empty.

Random question: would you have rather loved and lost it or have never loved at all.

-Mary'K

Good mood...

So today I went shopping for some school clothes. I got a pair of jeans, A black shawl/jacket thing with the back made of glass, board short swim trunks (I'm going to a bday party with a pool so I had to buy a suit), sunglasses, and I got four graphic tee's. X)

Later my older brother came over with his folks cause they were having car trouble and wanted my dad to fix it. I ended up going home with them. Idk how long I'll be here but it's nice with out my folks. What's even better is my brother fixed my itouch(the thing is my life, I have a play list with all the albums I got from rei. Lol) and updated it so I can get new apps and stuff. Lol. I get the basement all to myself too! I get a tv and a bed and he's letting me use his wifi. Plus he gave me one of his of phones so no more big-bulky-duct taped-baby pink-phone. X)

I'm in my bliss right now. So now I'm going to go to bed. Oh, and my mom made the appointment for me to get some new antidepressants. I didn't bring any vicodin or lortab so idk how I'll be. I already want some and my back and killing me. I have nothing to cut with either. (No cuts today. Yaaaa!) I know I'll need to soon though, sigh. I'm hoping I can just get some ibuprofen and not go all crazy on my bro, step sis, and nephew. Night world.

Random advise: Sex and love aren't the same thing.

-Mary'K

~

There is nothing for me to say cause I'm sick of bitching and crying on here...

WTF?!

I've been hurt so many times it took all off my courage to go out with my gf. I know I like her but I always have the feel that I'll be abused by someone I trust. I can't even rely on my folks! All I have is Rei and my bff Ashley. Then I thought no I have a gf now I can confide in. That was until last night she started telling me how she use to abuse (literally) her gfs. Well we don't live by one an other so I have that comfort and I'm built like a linebacker so issues there. What scared me is when she said she hurt girls just to feel better about herself. Now she says she sorry about it. I believe her... until this is sent to me by her ex (I blocked out names)...

7:36pm(my gf)
Uh stop posting love stuff on my page

7:37pm(the ex)
why? why are youwith someone else?

7:38pm(my gf)
You left okay. And you got replaced

That's how life goes.

I told you you will hate yourself for going to UK without me

7:38pm(the ex)

I HAD TO GO!

it was a family thing!

plztake me back i need you

i will do anything for you tomorrow

anything

i will even take it up the ass again like you like it

just plz i need you

7:40pm(my gf)
Hah! Look at you

Begging for me?

You are all used up from me fucking you everyday. I don't want used up girls

You are so stupid

Letting me fuck you in the ass and hit you

See what "Love" does to you?

Haha

You make me sick

7:42pm(the ex)

HOW COULD YOU! YOU SAID IF I DID THOSE THINGS IT MEAN I LOVE YOU

YOU LIE

YOU LIE!!

7:43pm(my gf)
And what of it? I lie all the time

What can you do about it huh?

Cry your little tears

I told you before we started all of this that I was a bad person

What did you thought?

That you could change me? That I changed?

Hahaha

Don't make me laugh

7:45pm(the ex)

i will tell this girl the real you

i will tell everyone

7:45pm(my gf)
Stfu.You better not.

7:46pm(the ex)

I WILL

I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE

THIS WHOLE CHAT WILL BE SHOW TO HER!

I WONT LET OTHER GIRLS BE HARD BY YOU

7:47pm(my gf)
I didn't fucking hurt you! You said yes to everything I did to you

You wanted the pain you thought you loved me but really you just loved the pain I did to you

If you dare show this to her you will get it

7:48pm(the ex)

you cant hurt me anymore andrea

i wont let you

i wont let you hurt any more girls

good bye

7:49pm(my gf)
Fuck you!

...

Idk what the hell to think of this. I want to believe my gf but I don't want to end up believeing lies. I'm so lost. FUCK!!!!!! What the hell am I supposed to do now?! :'(

Random advise: Fighting fire with fire only gets you burned.

-Mary'K

Music, Dreams, Alone

I just woke up from the weirdest fucking dream! I w don't remember much but I was late for a party. He party was at like midnight and I was going to be late. Everyone had to dress like a certain stereotype and I couldn't pick one. So I got there late and no one was there. It was weird. o.0

Anyway Thanks to Rei and all her wonderful music I downloaded around 10 CD's and I'm going to download more. XD
I'm in such a good mood cause I'm home alone. No brother to bitch at me. No mom to whine and complain. I miss dad a little but he's at work so he's in a much better mood than normal. He's one of those people that has to work and can't just sit around. If he does nothing he gets depressed and stuff. Sad really. But it's all good now.

Random advise: Dont try licking a metal fan! (I feel REALLY random today)

-Mary'K

Tiger

This is my makeup. You can see the one that I based my makeup off of. The it took about 30minutes to white out my face and 20 for the other make-up. Hope you enjoy. The editted one I editted myself.

More

I took some pills. I feel like a loser. Idk what else to say. I've just been home talking to me gf all day feeling like shit. I'm not going to bitch anymore...

-Mary'K

Official

What I want and what I need use to be two different things... now they seem to be the same... :/

It seems I always go towards the medicine cabinet. Or I'll grab my tweezers to cut myself. I can't even use a razor. I don't feel the pain I want. I want to feel better but it seems like I'll feel good and get worse. I spend my money on drugs and I worry what'll happen when I run out. If my parents didn't have so many pain killers... I don't know where I'd be. When I get money I have to spend it fast or I know I'll go and get more of what I want. I feel horrible for being like this.

Last night I was up until four and couldn't sleep. My back hurt and I went to my stash of pills. I had Lortab, Tromadol, Vicodin, and my last bit of Coke. I was upset with myself for haveing to take these. I threw them at the wall. Powder fell and I felt the urge to lick it off the walls. I wiped it up but still wanted it. I want to feel that relief. I stayed up until 5 cleaning and crying. I ended up taking 3 Lortab and 2 Vicodin. Then I made a new cut. I feel like a failure. I am one. I wish I didn't need this. Before it was just something that helped me feel better. Now I feel like shit with out it.

I'm not sick anymore. That's how I found out how fucked up I am. I'm sick without my pills and with out pain. I just don't know what to do. When my mom gets back I want to make an appointment for some medicine. My therapist gave me the number. I just want to be who I was before all of this. :/

Random advise: You think that you're fine until you can't stop.

-Mary'K

Fucked up mind

So this morning or I guess afternoon I woke up at 1:30pm. I'm still sick so I crashed around 6pm. I woke up around 12:30pm from a bad dream.

It was the middle of winter and the sun was setting. I was crying and sitting on a swing. This old friend of mine I haven't seen for months showed up. He took me to his house and sat with me. We talked and then he tried making a move. I screamed and then I was in my room with my friend's ex. It was like a hotel but their were guns everywhere. He held me down and was trying to get in my pants. Then I turned into this monster and held him against the wall. Then all the guns were floating and they shot at him. Everywhere on me hurt and he died. Then I was in a white room. I was sweating and then I saw fire. It was getting closer and closer to me that's when I woke up.

It was a fucked up dream. If you think you know what it means please tell me. I'm normaly good with desifering dreams but this one was weird. Now I'm going to talk to my girlfriend and then go to bed. Wish me better dreams please. X)

Random advise: White shirts almost always look better when wet. ;)

-Mary'K

Sick still...

So I'm having hot and cold flashes instead of a runny nose. sigh. I'm sweating right now. grrr. Well nothing new other than my new semi bust schedule. Before the 18th I'm going to a consert and three B-Day parties. It doesn't seem like much but I feel loved. I also updated my facebook so that is says I'm in a relationship. Before it said I was widowed. haha. 7 people liked it and I've had countless people messgae and chat with me about it. Again it might now seem like much but it's nice to know people are paying some attention to me. Well I'm going back to bed.

Random advise: Magic is only real if you believe.

-Mary'K

girlfriend

So now I'm kind of in a relationship. This girl said they were really a guy. Now they said they lied and are a girl. We talked and I forgave her. Now we are kind of together. We only live a few hours apart but the distance still sucks. I'm in a better mode than before. I made this yummy homemade cake today. It was pink vanilla cake with white, orange flavored frosting. mmm. I felt great because my mom made a shitty dinner after making fun of my cake. X) It was a good moment for me.

Good news I scored some weed. It's no crushed. It's fresh and is the full leaf. I find it cool to really see it without being in little peices. XD I'm waiting to have it though. I'm sick right now. Just a cold but it sucks. I'm going to talk to my gf now. tehe.

Random advise: Grudges are lame so get the fuck over it. XD

-Mary'K

Calm

So I'm almost ready to leave. By tomorrow I'll be able to go if I need to. I have a friend down the street, a friend a few miles away, my sister who is a few cities over, my brother who is a few cities over, my aunt a few miles away, a friend a few states over, and another friend on the other side of the country willing to take me in. All these people, but one, I've helped in one way or another and they've offered a bed or couch for me. The one that I haven't really helped still offered a place and they're the one who said they love me. I really think I love this guy but I'm not commiting to anything in the state I'm in. Right now I'm in a pretty good mood. My family is in bed and some pain meds I took kicked in. X) I'm gonig to watch a few videos on the internet and then read until I fall asleep.

Random advise: Modern medicine can be a great thing.

-Mary'K

Depresion

Maybe someone can help me. I want to know what depression is. Not off google either. I mean if depression is all in your head how can it be fixed. I mean I've given my should to my therapist. She know ALL about me. I take my meds. I've even doubled the dose hoping to help but nothing. I just don't get it.

WTF?! While I was typing this my friend just said she loves me. They asked how I feel about their love. I told them I don't know. (I'm crying now) I just feel so stressed. I don't even know if I'm strait or bi or lesbian! I mean I use to like guys but now I like girls and I think I like her... FUCK!!! I don't know shit! I just want to scream and make everything better. I to know who I am. I'm all over the place. Right now I just want a friend. I know there is one other person there for me but I don't know them that well. They know more about me from my blog and fb than anything. I'm like hormones on speed. I'm angry at my friends and family for talking about me, I'm depressed I don't even know myself, I'm sad only my fb friend (girl who likes me) and one other friend I don't know all to well seem to care. I mean I've helped countless people through their problems and they don't bother to check up on me. whatever. I'm sick of bitching. Back to cleaning up and organizing my shit. I hope to move out of this hell hole soon.

My advise: Figure out who the fuck you are.

-Mary'K

Packing

I've realized that I'm done. I read my last post and realized I can't handle this crap anymore. I'm packing my things. I'm not sure how I'll get money for a pace or anything but I can't stay here any longer. I won't put things in boxes. I'll just have all I need to packed picked out and piled.

My advise: It's better to be alone.

-Mary'K

Fucking sick

I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. Not even talking to my friends helps me feel better. Of course I still have my horrible painful head aches. I'm used to those. What suck is when you're depressed, you know it, and you can't do shit about it. My medicine isn't working. My family and friends aren't helping. I mean it seems everyone talks behind each others backs and hate each other. There is only one person I have EVER talked bad about behind their back. A few I talked to there face but not many. Why can't pople fucking get along. I have gone through too much shit to have to deal with this. You name it and I'm sure I've had to deal with it. The only thing I haven't done is have my parents die. Well for me, on the inside, they have. They fight about each other. Talk bad about each other and their kids when only I can hear or they think no one is listening. I'm sick of my friends and family say they want to fucking kill themselves! They haven't dealt with the drugs, or the rape, or the pain, or the blood, or the cuts, or the burns, or the lies! They don't know a fucking thing! I'm sick of people complaining about their pety lives!!! People need to learn to just get the fuck along!
There I'm done. I'm going to go move furniture in my room. It' sbetter than cutting I guess. I wish I could call a friend but I know none of them want to deal with my shit. What a perfectly fucked up life I live.

Random advise: Trust no one but yourself.

-Mary'K

Pictures....

Email: perrottamk@aol.com
Password: ineedair

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/album.php?aid=2068131&id=1304410186
(my make-up, look at last page)

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/photo.php?pid=31448798&id=1304410186
(my fohawk, click the picture for another shot of my hair...)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=1304410186&aid=2030796&s=100&hash=a14845c84c687a2a2aad2e0ba4bca837#!/album.php?aid=2072478&id=1304410186
(pictures from my cottage and party)

I hope you enjoy and feel free to look through other photos. If something doesn't work tell me in a comment. X)

Random advise: Be your own person. X)

-Mary'K

Goth and sexting

I did my makeup like the profile picture. I will change it soon. I want to do some editing first. I'll post them all on here tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to troll some chat rooms with my friend and read up on others blogs. I also have therapy tomorrow and I'll write about that. Plus I'm getting my hair done!! The sides and back will be cut short. It will all be dyed black but the bangs will be bleached white blonde.

One thing I did want to write on here. I have found out about sexting! Me and a friend. He and I live in diferent states and we agreed that we don't want to date. So we sext. i found I should be a romance novelist because I would write half a page and then he would only say wow. HAHA! I just found this concept interesting. Technology can be great. XD

Random advise: If you send naked pictures make the person promises in a message to never show it. So if they do show it you can sue. ;)

-Mary'K

Taking forever

Long blog on the way. I'll look at all yours soon too. Promise.

After my BDay

My BDay was fun. I got to see some friends I hadn't seen for a while. My two besties and bestie cousin. I went shopping too. I celebrating being 16 by buying shit I know my mom would be pissed about mwhahahahah!!!
This is a list of what I bought:
10 gages
8 gages
3 bags of pixy stixs
The new Korn CD (My asshole little brother broke the case when he threw a tantrum. sigh.)
New cute and sexy black underwear (1red 1grey)
Black garter (zippers on the side. Lol)
Fishnet thighighs
Pocky and other jap dessert I can't remember the name of
Poster from awesome anime Vampire Knight
Chopsticks
Top hat ($4 it was a steal)
A present for my friends bday (sometimes she reads so I can't say)
A bag with the outside decorated in weed leaves XD
Insence

Not all of it is bad but you can see where a strict bitchy catholic mother would be pissed at her 16 year old daughter. X)
For presents I got
Two had made brasclets from my bff X) (black, white and silver with my nickname MK)
The newest Paramore CD I've been really wanting.
A super cute hand made popup card with $20 X) (it was epic)
A little plaque that matches the color of one of my walls with a beautiful saying
A book from my favorite series
A book about how to survive a horror film XD it's sooo funny. The same person gave me a journal to write about world domination plans. I'm serious. XD
I got $10 for McDonalds $20 for Khoals
Two wrist cuffs (one purple and black lace up one white with black button up)

So I think that's it. Nothing is new with me. I've been pretty heavy on the pain meds. I've also been having this really weird dream. Each night it's different. It's me and one of my friends kissing and when we kiss it's like ice. I try to puch them off and they won't go. When they finaly get off they dissappear. I say this won't work and walk away. That's when I wake up.

Random advise: Dont chew your nails it has more germs than a toilet seat. -Mahala (My New Zealand friend. XD)

-Mary'K (btw It's Mary'K or MK not Mary. It's a pet peave of mine. Just so you know.)

Bday

So I'm sitting here with my friends on my itouch. I had a good party. I lit this be on fire. I blew stuff up. I had a good time even though my folks royaly pissed me off. I'll have picture and more details tomorrow. My two besties and bestie cousin are spending the night. I kind of feel like crying. I feel like something horrible I coming. I hope nothing goes wrong...

Random advise: Its fun to blow stuff up.

-Mary'K

Idc

My party is stressing me out. So is my mother and father. So is money. Everything. I've gone back to cutting. I'm not drinking or smoking anymore. I guess no drinks or smokes is a plus. I'm also going back to my goth garb. I feel like dressing dark. It looked better on me and it better suits my mood. Now I'm going to listen to Emilie Autumn and check my various accounts. Then clean the rest of my room and listen to evanescence. I have to get up early tomorrow to mow the lawn and shop for this party. Then I'll be dying my hair black.

Plus today I went to the doctors. She told me I'm fat and need to lose more weight. Excuse me but I'm a solid 14 and I left weights. I can run a damn mile without stopping! She's such a fucking bitch! Then she asked if I'm depressed. I looked at her and said I am now. She ignored me. sigh. It didn't bug me that she said I was fat but I mean she could have at least said good job on losing 15lbs in a month in a half. Whatever... Just a little update for all of you.

Random advise: Hurting yourself helps the pain from others hurt less.

-Mary'K

Evil rei...

So it's about 3am. Why am I still up you wonder. Well I went to bed earlier and woke up from a horrible dream...

I'm sitting on a giant rock. I'm alone with tears streaming down my face. It feels like hours. Then a man walks up. A man I use to know and be friends with. A man I use to love. (from what I know I shouldn't be able to see him. Last time I saw him I put him in e.r. I heard he got out fine but he disappeared to another country.) I was on shock. "why?" I asked. When I tried to get up I started to fall. He caught me. "I had to tell you..." that's all he said and leaned in. Then he bit me!

That's when I woke up in a cold sweat. I blame rei since she said vampire and now I can't stop thinking about it. Sigh. I just thought you should know a little more about me. Ugh. Now I can't sleep. -mutters- damn vampires... Oh yeah and tomorrow I get to see eclipse. -bangs head on keyboard- of course! So I pin my sleeplessness on you rei. (mainly because I can't think of anything else and you know I love you anyway. XD lol) I'm going to try and sleep now. Goodnight world.

Random advise: vampires are big meanies that should stay out of my head!

-Mary'K

Unsure

I just don't know who I am anymore. I use to want to write and sing but now I'd kill to do something thrilling. Like be a spy or in the front lines of war. I thought I was strait but I can't even get excited thinking about a guy anymore. I thought I was an innocent person but I found out girls have broke up with their man because the girl thought he was cheating on her with me. NOT TRUE! I thought I was happy but now all I do is cry. I thought I was ugly and not worth shit but people keep telling me I'm beautiful. I just don't get it. Why did I change so much. I'm losing control! Some girl asked for my advise on how to stop cutting. She asked why I did. I couldn't think of an answer. Shit for brains me ruined my month and a half of good skin. I don't know me anymore. I'm not Mary'K. I'm changing.

All my skin problems are stopping. I don't need my glasses for reading anymore. I'm scared. I'm falling apart, or in this case being put together against my will. My most resent scar is as light as one that was from a two months ago. I want to see a doctor bit what am I supposed to say?! "I'm feeling better! Fix me"?! I can't sleep at night anymore either. I can't sleep until the sun is up. When I see the daylight I get so tired I fall asleep mid type. I think I'm finally going crazy! FUCK!!! I just want to know what wrong or right. My head stopped hurting as well. It hasn't hurt once in about a week when I normally have attacks several times a DAY! I just don't know anymore.

Random advise: don't ask Mary'K because she doesn't know shit!

-Mary'K

HERE!!!!

So it's late and I'm bored. lol. I'm in such a great mood! I feel a little bad because I'm draining my mothers and fathers pain pill but... I don't give a shit! lol.

So an update... I have therapy in two weeks for those of you who want to know (Rei). I'll go back in a week and a half. I'm trying not to dwell on the past. I've never said what happened to me out loud but I've talked to a few friends through facebook. It's way to fucking hot here. UGH!

I'll be sure to post more often from now on. I'll also get back to work on my other blog. It's been a little neglected. lol. I send love to all my readers!

Random quote:‎"Though I don't know what's happening, I can use my tounge to make a sakura branch into a butterfly knot." - Sebastian (From the anime Kuroshitsuji)

-Mary'K

home

I got back yesterday. I've been upset. I can't sleep or eat. I'm ready to give up. I keep thinking of the past. I try to smile and make myself happy but I just can't seem to do it. I want to just have my pain go away. Sorry this post is so short and sad. I just thought I'd tell you I'm home.

-Mary'K

Vacation

I'm going to my grandma's cottage for a week. I don't think I'll have Internet. I hope everyone has a good fourth and sorry I won't be able to comment. One week at a cottage on on the lake with no drugs alcohol or uneeded meds. No temptation. I'm literaly speeding typing on my itouch walking out the door. Bye! XD

Random advise: rushing is no fun.

-Mary'K

Rei?

I really wanted to send you a message. You always have the best advise but now I can't find you. What happened?! Is it something I said?! I'm sorry if it is and I'm sure you misunderstood. I never mean to hurt anyone. Just please reply.

-Mary'K

Nothing left

So everything hurt. My body, my thoughts, my heart, my everything. I'm falling to pieces. Everyone and myself think I should stop talking to this girl but I can't. The thing I hate is how she'll post how she loves her ex. It sucks. Facebook hurts sometimes.

I have therapy today. I might talk to the chick about it. Idk yet since I've only met her once. I'm not sure how today will play put but it feels like it's going to be shity. I'm crying again. I'm such a fucking mess. I just want someone here for me. Someone with no intentons other than to love me. I just want a hug but I'm scared of people touching me. :'( Im loseing myself and I'm not sure if I'll ever be normal agian.

Random advice: if feathers start spewing out of your pillow it has a hole in it. (my brothers an asshole for ripping it)

-Mary'K

Smoking, Tears, Girls

So the past few days have been hell. My great uncle died and it didn't matter to me much (I didn't really know him) but it was and is hard on my dad and grandma. My don't personally care about my grandma because she gets on my nerves and she's a stuck up snot but she puts more pressure on my dad. He gets more and more upset. He acts all fine and he's not. It sucks. Plus I ruined my no abuse strike. I had a few smokes. Mainly what I can get my hands on. I had one whole pack myself but now I have to search for half smoked cigs. It's pathetic. I think I still haven't cut or drank. I have gone into one new habit. I've been smoking weed. There is a guy in my neighborhood who sell the stuff and more but I'm not doing anything else. I like the stuff. It makes me giggle and smile. I feel like everything is OK but when it's gone I really crash. I don't get the munchies like most. I just want to sleep when it wheres off. It's like it takes all my energy. I've lost a lot of weight cause I just lost the desire for food. Weird to say I know but it's true. I can just fit in my 14 jeans. In the beginning of June I was in 18s. I also tried to snort vicodin. It was a pain in the ass to crush the three pill I had. (Your mother needing a new hip and having pain meds can be a good thing). It burnt like hell and I figured it would. It didn't do much that I realized. I felt a little out of it for around 30 45 minutes. I don't think I'll do it too often cause I know that shit can be really bad. (At least that's what I've heard.) I just thought I'd let you people know.

So to top off everything I've fallen hard for this one chick. Yes I said chick. X( I love her so much and would do anything for her but you know what's sick? I've never met her. We just talk to each other. She lives in New Zealand. sigh. I feel stupid one for falling in love with a girl. Two for falling in love with a girl in New Zealand. And three for always thinking about her and talking about her when I haven't even seen her face to face. sigh.

So now I'm sitting here after spending the last three days crying, getting high, and smoking. I'm out of weed and smokes and my eyes are red and puffy. I feel pathetic and lame. ugh. Now after saying how stupid I feel I'm going to stay up until 2 so I can talk to her. -hits head on keyboard- I'm a fruit basket.

Random advice: Long distance relationships don't work.

-Mary'K

Party Plans

So I've been a little off lately. I've been getting deeper and deeper into depression. Now I'm starting to feel better. I've been spending my time planning my birthday party. I'll have my friends from all the plays I've been in, all three of my old schools, and some family friends. Almost 40 teen in one backyard with a bonfire. It's gonna be fun. I also uploaded a video of me singing at a compition. http://www.youtube.com/user/eviltwinmk666 Please comment on the channel and tell me what you think. It's from early Febuary I think. So my hair isn't that long and I've lost some weight. Well this chair hurts my back and my head hurts. I'm getting off. Hope everyone's well.

Random advice: Telling the truth may hurt but in the end it's best.

-Mary'K

Mindless rant....

So I'm now seeing a therapist twice a month. I had my first appointment last week. My mom was in there for 40 minutes talking about how I'm a happy kid and I'm not depressed. (I've even told her I'm depressed but she won't believe it!) I spent the last 20 minutes talking about my life. We only got to 8Th grade. As I was talking I kept thinking of things that I didn't want to remember. The therapist wanted to know all the major points in my life but I didn't want to say somethings. I didn't want to tell her when I lost my virginity, when I'd gotten pregnant, when I'd first cut. All the major reasons I'm the way I am today. The reasons I'm not a happy child. I've never told anyone any of those stories. I don't want to.

Yesterday my friends bf made things worse. I was still down about the appointment and he brought up how I was innocent. Then my friend laughed because she knows I'm not a virgin. He was like "WTF?! You're only 15! When did you lose it?" I didn't answer. I almost cried. I thought about the guys in my life. I hate how I look because of them. Some people say I'm pretty but they never did. After being with me I would be told I was ugly and fat... it wasn't nice things lets just say and end it there.

You might not understand half of what I'm saying. It's ok you don't need to. It's more of a mindless rant. I just feel so lost and sad. I can't lose bad memories and I don't want to confront them. I know I have to though. On a good note I haven't cut, drank , or smoked since June 3rd. Well I can't drink with my new medication. It does stuff to even out levels in my blood and if I drink to much my lungs hurt and it's hard to breath. I couldn't smoke because I was sick and broke. Now I'm on a roll so I don't want to ruin it. Cutting is the hardest thing to stop but I'm doing ok. No suicidal thoughts or anything so I'm not worried.

Now I'm going to be on the computer for a few hours and then clean. I don't want to sleep since I've been having nightmares. I woke up last night crying and sweating. sigh. I'm finished with the rant now. Good night.

Random quote: "I am not interested in money, i just want to be wonderful." - Marilyn Monroe

-Mary'K

Friends....

My friend thought it'd be funny to make this picture of me and this other friend of ours. So I made my own picture mwhahahaha.....
I have no life sigh.

Random advice: When life give you lemons find some limes and make 7up X)

-Mary'K

Lazy

So awhile ago I made a second profile for my charater in my other blog. You can use this loggin to see my pictures.
Email: perrottamk@aol.com
Password: ineedair

I'll only have this up for a week or two. I hope you like the photos.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1304410186&v=wall&story_fbid=132244140136036#!/album.php?aid=2068131&id=1304410186&ref=pb

-Mary'K

more

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1304410186&v=wall&story_fbid=132244140136036#!/album.php?aid=2068131&id=1304410186&ref=pb

If you want to see more of my make-up stuff. The old ones are at the end. I'm pretty sure you can see them all and leave comments. If not tell me and I'll try and fix the problem. 46 pictures is just too many to post. lmao.

-Mary'K

Bored....

So I did some chores but I got bored and did this. lol. It took about a half hour. Later me and my folks went to dinner and me and my dad made fun of this chick who looked like a 40 year old pippi longstocking. lmao. We spent the whole time thinking of odd questions to ask the waiter. My mom complained the whole time. sigh. I'm not letting her get me down though. X) Well I hope everyone else had a good day. X) I can leave my house tomorrow since I'm feeling better too! HUZZAH!!!!!

Random advise: Don't let the little things get you down.

-Mary'K

New plan

So I guess I'm not going anywhere for a while. Since I have tonsillitus no one wants me at there house and my mom won't willingly let me leave. sigh. I spent my last day of school (today) taking my fiunals. I came into school late took my Bioology, chemistry, and geometry test in under two hours. Now I'm home. My back doesn't hurt as bad as it had before but it still hurts. I can't really talk either. So my summer plans will have to start late. sigh. Now I'm going to get some food and do some chores. I hope everyone else is having a better day.

Random advise: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. (My friend Amy put it on her status on Fb lol)

-Mary'K

UGH

Right now I'm crazy sick. I have a fever and I keep coughing. The doctors think I have tonsillitis.
Just to state a fact I'm not leaving. I'm just not posting that often. I put the last post for if you wanted to get a hold of me and I hadn't been on in a week or so. I didn't mean to upset anyone. I'm not leaving you Rei.I was just stating I'm not going to blog as often. I've been taking your advise. I take all my meds. I don't lie to my friends anymore. So I'm sorry if you're upset. I thought you'd be happy my life is starting to get better. I'm sorry you don't want to keep "giving you advice on any of your little nonsensical teenage issues".

Random advice: Don't trust in people because some how nothing works out.

-Mary'K

Bye

So I have two more days of school. Then I'll be gone. I'm not sure yet but I have an idea of where I'll be staying. Hell, at this point the street looks nice. I don't think I'll be on my blog much. If you want to talk or see how it's going you can e-mail me at eviltwinmk666@aol.com or message me on fb at http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/profile.php?id=1304410186

Random advice: (too sick and pissed to think)

-Mary'K

Tired and Unfinished

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. I won't be on until Thursday or Friday probably. I feel like crap. I need to finish my paper but I can't keep focused. I'll have to stay home tomorrow to finish it. I already had the due date extended for me. ugh. I'm off now. Just an update for you all...

Random advise: Talking to some people is like a circle... pointless.

-Mary'K

Finals...

I'm sorry I've been gone for a while. I've had finals and projects and stuff lately. School will be over by the 11Th and I'll be back to being on here. Sorry I haven't been up to date on your blogs either. I promise I'll read them and comment when I can. I hope everyone is doing well. Maybe if I finish my paper tomorrow I'll tell you about my night of drinking at my friends, I'll post pictures of my sort pixie hair cut, and my day at the festival (I'm going tomorrow).

I hope everyone is well. Love, MK.

Random advise: BYOB! (Huzzah for alcohol!!!)

The Afternoon

Bad news: Today it's about 86 out. In my house it's about 90. (This summer is going to kick my ass!) My mom is in a really bitchy mood.
Good news: My little cold thing is almost gone. I counted I only have 15 days of school left.
Now I'm going to finish cooking dinner. Then I'll eat. Then a COLD shower. Then bed. Welcome to my afternoon.

Random advise: "If you don't like my driving stay off the porch." lol (I can't remember where I heard it.)

-Mary'K

Sorry

So I'm home sick today. My nose is all stuffed and crap. sigh. My mom still won't give my back my medicine either. I have been asking but she just won't give them to me. I really do listen Rei. It's just hard to do. I've been like this all my life. I do try to change but I always seem to fail. I don't feel as bad this morning. I don't have much to say. I just thought I'd say I'm sorry to Rei mainly. I do try but... I guess I just can't suceed. I will keep working on being honest though.

Random Advise: If at first you don't suceed, try try again.

-Mary'K

Why can't I give up?

I know almost every blog is depressing. This isn't much different...

So those anti-depressants were working pretty well. The only problem is I'm to good of an actor. I smile and pretend life is good. My mom says I don't need them because I'm not depressed. She says I just want something to make myself feel better and I don't really need it. So I haven't taken them for a week or so. I can really see the effects. I just can't show my mom. My mom even saw some of my scars on my stomach. I couldn't tell her that there is more that I hurt so much. She just blew it off.

I've officially lost one of my few friends. I'm down to only two now. My friend said he'd be there if I need him. He wasn't there. I hate this. I hate that I hurt so much. Now one of my two friends Caitlyn says she's always be there for me. Well that guy said he would be there for me. So did the guy who knocked me up. So did my use-to-be best friend. (I started crying again) I was crying on the phone with Caitlyn. She asked me if I was crying. I said no. You know you suck when you can't even tell your best friend that you hurt.

My nose is stuffed. My throat hurts. I keep coughing. My stomach still hurts. My chest still hurts. Some times I just wish I had the courage to give up.

I mean what the fuck do I have left! I may be smart but I'm sick so much I don't know anything! I may be pretty(that's what people say at least) but what is the use of that? What a good man when I grow up? It won't matter cause I'll always feel like shit! What do I have? Really?! You can tell me something I have but I'll tell you why it's fucked up and doesn't matter.

When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up I could list off a million jobs. All I really want is to smile. A real smile. I want to just feel happy. I just feel like that'll never happen. My health keeps getting worse. I fall deeper into depression. I'm so upset I don't care anymore. I just want to have all the pain go away. Yet I can never come to "really" hurt myself. You know your life is sick and twisted when you're mad at yourself because you won't kill yourself.

Random advise: Sometimes it's best to just give up....

-Mary'K

My wish....

(A fill in the blank poem. lol.)

I wish for your kiss.
I hope you'll brand your lips to my skin.

I wish for your touch.
I hope you'll hold me in your tight embrase.

I wish for your voice.
I hope you'll speak to me as more than a friend.

I wish for your smile.
I hope you'll laugh and that laugh will take hold of my heart.

I wish for _____.
I hope you'll see I want you to be mine forever.

Sincerly, your love _________.

My Long Weekend

So I will update you on the past few days I had this week.

Wednesday- I went to school and felt like crap. I was miserable all day. I also found out my dad quit his job. No we have no money coming in.

Thursday- I stayed home yet again.

Friday- I felt great all day. I had a good day at school. When I got home it was about 5 and I was making me and my brother a snack. Out of no where my lower stomach started hurting. I was doubled over in pain. I tried going to the bathroom but nothing worked. My mom drove me up to ER. When I got there I had to get some blood drawn. The moron of a woman I had took forever trying to find the vein. I really didn't mind that she couldn't find it since I have very small crappy rolling veins. (My doctor always says I'd be a crappy junkie lol) What bugged me was the woman half-hazzerdly put the needle in and couldn't find the vein so she swirled the needle around. It hurt like hell and was almost worse than my stomach pains. (I have a bruise now) Later I had some tests done. I had to get an IV too. The IV sucked. The doctor couldn't find a vein and when she did find one it was on the inside side of my right wrist. She tried about six times and then gave up and looked for another vein.She finally found something in my left hand. Most of the night was a blur. The doctors told me I have swollen limphnoids (idk if it's spelt right) which means it'll hurt like hell but I need to just wait it off. I ended up leaving at almost 4am.

Saturday- I had a boring day home. Then I spent some time at my friend Ashley's. I had some fun with my make-up for world goth day. lol. Then we sported our fabulousness at the drive-in with her, her sister, there friend, me, and their mom (my other mommy). We also had her little puppy princess. X)

Sunday- I had a late moring and then me and my folks ate dinner with my grandma. After that my friend Caitlyn came over and we hung out. After that we all went to church and Caitlyn came back to my house. It was nice hanging out.

Today- My dad still has no job. sigh. Right now I'm really bored. Later I'm going to a lady's banquet with a few kids from my school. I'm going to talk to Caitlyn on the phone before I leave.

Sorry I wrote so much.

Random advise: Sometime things are better left unsaid.

-Mary'K

No Therapy

So I went to what I thought was therapy today. I was wrong. I went to get assessed, but first we had paperwork. We had almost twenty pages of it. I swear I wrote out my life's story. It asked questions like "when did you start crawling?" and "When did you first smile?". We ended up taking over forty-five minutes on just paperwork.

Once we finished I had a lady ask me and my mother a bunch of questions. I freaked out and decided not to tell the truth. I smiled and laughed and acted like nothing was wrong with me. I lied when they asked if I smoke. I let my mom tell the lady I only drink every once in a while in front of my parents. It'll only be one glass of wine. I said I'm a devoted Catholic who loves my church. I said I never want to hurt myself or other people. I said I have never even thought of cutting. The woman thought I didn't need therapy. She said in a few weeks I can leave it if I want because she saw nothing wrong with me. This was due to my acting skills.

The rest of the day I spent with my mom up until now. We got lunch and rented some movies. We watched Valentines Day. We also stopped by the bank and her church. I want to cry now. I feel like I failed myself. No. I know I failed myself. I keep saying I need help but I always quit in the end. I have to wait until my real appointment now. Another two weeks of worry.

I'm ready for this to be over. I want my head to stop hurting. I want my back and neck to stop causing me pain. I want to stop crying. I want to stop hurting myself. I want to be more confident. I want to really smile and not just grin so other will be happy. I want a life. I want a life that's not my own.

Random advise: Sometimes acting can get you out of trouble. Other times it can pull you deeper into trouble.

-Mary'K

Getting Ready for Tomorrow

So my head has hurting really bad yesterday then got worse this morning. This morning was really bad. I spent most of first hour in the bathroom crying. I got lucky (if you call it luck) and remembered I brought my tweezers with me and spent a bit of time in the bathroom before seventh hour cutting. I only made one new scar which is good. The rest were just old scars.

I'm not sure what to think of my new anti-depressants. At first they made me really hyper but now they don't seem to do much. Tomorrow I start taking them twice instead of once a day. I also have my first therapy session tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. I'm doing some research on therapy. (I like facts) I want to make sure I say nothing to get me in some little white room. I also don't know anything about this doctor so I'm looking for tell tale signs a someone who is a fraud.

I'm ready for the summer to come. I'm ready to be done with all this drama and just run off to my sisters. I want to stay at her house all summer. We're still discussing it though. I just hope it all works out.

Random advise: Stareing at the computer trying to come up with random advise for twenty minutes is a waste of time. lmao

-Mary'K

My weekend...

So I've had one looooong weekend. I got to spend all my time with one of my bffs aswell. X) Then yesterday we hung out with my other bff. It was all my best friends but one (he's out of town). Now I'm just sitting on my bed. I just finished my homework and my friends asleep next to me. lol. Later I'm going to watch "300" with my two besties and eat some of my supertastical PASTA!!! lol.

I'm in such a good mood today. X)

Random advise: When smores drip down your shirt it is not wise to say, "I have sticky white stuff all over me!" LMAO

-Mary'K

(twitch)

Can't think... is too hyper... will type tomorrow...

Home sick again

So today I stayed home sick. I cried almost all morning. I get so upset knowing I miss so much school and I don't feel well. I'm feeling better now, thank the gods. My mom almost said my friend couldn't spend the night this weekend. That would have sucked. I'm so excited for this weekend. I'll get to spend two nights with one of my close friends. Plus my nephew is going to be there! He's awsome. lol. Maybe I'll post a picture of all of us. Well I can't think of anything else to write about. I'm goint to finish up my next entry for my other story blog http://theforgottengoddess.blogspot.com/. The new one is going to consit of quite a few days so it won't be posted until tomorrow or the day after.

Random quote: "-waves gun- This is my rifile! -gropes- This is my gun! -waves gun-This is for fighting! -gropes- This is for fun!" -Stewie from Family Guy. LMAO XD

-Mary'K

A poem

This is something I wrote and put on my facebook. I was listening to a song and thought of a friend....

If I leave will you miss me?
If I disappear will you look for me?
When I cry will you dry my tears?
When I call will you calm my fears?
If I said I love you what would you say?
If I held your hand would you let go and stray?
When I need a friend will you be there?
When I ask for help will you assist or stare?
What would you do?
I know if it were me I would miss you, look for you, dry your tears, calm your fears, I say I love you, I would hold your hand tight, I will be there, I will always help, and I would love you always and eternally.

I will forever be yours, MK.

Random advise: Sometimes just the thought of them can make you smile. :)

-Mary'K

Feeling worse (I hate feeling all emo)

Tonight I start my anti-depressants. It's a good thing too. I've felt really depressed. Since my friend is having all these pregnancy things come up it's been bugging me. You see I haven't known the best guys in the world. I keep having bad dreams. It sucks. This is one guy for example. Freshman year (last year) I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of the year. I was stressed I didn't want to let anyone know. I just wanted it gone. Then when I had a miscarriage three weeks later I was so sad. Few of my friends and none family know. It was the worse experience ever. The guy wasn't there for me either. He was 18 and just felt like leaving me with no number or contact info at all.

Some people say I don't know hurt. When I get headaches they tell me to tough it out because I don't know pain. I tell those people to fuck off because they don't understand. The miscarriage is the reason I have all these infections I think too. They happened around the same time. I can't stand who I am sometimes. I feel like a broken, fat, ugly, stupid, crazy, depressed person who has no hold on their life.

I wish I could get better.
I wish I could be happy.
I wish I didn't have to hurt myself to feel better.
I wish I wasn't me.

Random advise: Depression hurts so who will help?

-Mary'K

(P.S. Please don't give me some pity party. It's the last thing I want. I didn't write this so you would feel bad for me. I wrote it to tell you about me and my current life and nightmare.)

After the Talk

I met up with my friend today. I had to get her things from her place and bring them to her friends. Then me and her other friend hung out. She's so upset. I try telling her things could be worse but it doesn't seem to help. I'm really trying my hardest. When ever she cried I kept biting my lip. It's really hard for me to cry infront of people so I just kept biting. Now my bottom lip is swollen on one side. (Spaghetti my favorite dish made it burn.) I know hard hard this kind of thing is to go through. She's not the only person to have this happen. Mahybe she'll have a miscarage and consider herself lucky. (If you think that's lucky. To each his own I say) All I hope for is I can stay by her side. I hope she lets me stand beside her.

Random advise: Not all things are as bad as they appear.

-Mary'K

Good or Bad...

It's monday. Monday's always slow. Today I had a long day at school. I figured I'd have a boring day at home. Maybe have a friend come over. When I got home I looked at my facebook and got a message. My friend was really worried. I knew something was wrong. I got ahold of her and found out she was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. A pregnacy is supposed to be a happy thing but this isn't happy I can tell she's upset. Idk what to do. I wish I could make her happy. I'm going to see her soon. I hope I can make her smile. Any advise?

Random advise: Stress will only make things worse.

-Mary'K

The Aftermath

I woke up feeling like shit today. I drank more than I ever have before. I once had a light hangover but it wasn't much. I feel like shit right now. It's been a boring day. Nothing fun for mommy day. I read over my last post and I'm glad no one was over. I seriously woke up a thought I dreamt a few conversations... I was wrong. There are "some" typed words to "some" friends (more like 6. sigh.) I'd like to take back. sigh. I feel really depressed. I hope the meds I get tomorrow will help. I seriously need to back off the drinking. I was doing great and had no smokes or alcohol since the 26 of April. I failed.

Idk what to think about me saying I like girls either. I really don't know. UGH!!! This is frustrating! I hate falling into the stereotypical teenager section. The one whose stupid and confused and can't find them self. -bangs head on screen- (owwwwwwww) I need to ponder this. The girl I was talking about read this right after I wrote it too. sigh. Idk what to say to her. She'll probably read this soon anyway. She is going to spend two night this coming weekend as well. (If you're reading this I really don't know what to say to you right now. I'm sorry.)

A note for Rei: When I cut it's like getting high. I'm happy and giddy and feel amazing. When it starts to scab is when I feel depressed. That's not until a few days later though. sigh. When that happens a feel the need to cut again. Then I'm all happy again. Btw if things don't work out with Rob and you're single I bet I'll be available in just a few more years. Hell! Now sounds fine. I won't tell if you won't lol.

Random advise: Know your limits...

-Mary'K

Fucked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

I'm am so fucked up right now. lmao. Idk how much I drank but it was great. My dad's been drinking a little (not getting drunk or nothin') but he hasn't noticed. I also had a smoke. I feel fucking great!! I feel like wreaking some havic!!! So my cousin came over. It was fun I guess. I was hoping my one friend would stop by. I feel like getting fucked by a girl. Don't judge me! Anyway she didn't come over. I ended up doing shit on my own. I reopened a few scars too. I feel GREAT!!! I haven't been with anyone in so long. It's all because some asshole of a man didn't know what no meant. What ever though. I got over it and I'm ready for a new man! or woman!! lmao. I have the hiccups!. I feel like I'm gonna hurl. haha. Well I'm taking a shower. I feel like some more scars are in order. I'll be so fucked up for mothers day!! XD
I don't give a shit though. ok well nighters!

S!LLY PH0T05

So I spent most of my week in bed feeling like shit. Thursday I went to the doctors about my chest. It all went fine but I ended up have a few break downs. The doctor is getting me on some happy pills and I am now in therapy. I'm glad that I finaly get to go. I've gotten a lot of homework done to which is nice. I'm almost caught up in school.

Today has been pretty awsome so far. I went to a birthday party my nephew was invited to. These are two pictures of me and my crazyness. XD...



(I had to have my sister help me get out.)




(sexy no?)

So now my cousin is coming over. I just thought I'd share what's been going on. Later I have a wonderful story to tell you guys. XD

Random advise: Prpare for awsomeness if you hang out with me!

-Mary'K

More tear + More pain = An upset Mary'K

So I stayed home from school today. I'm so glad the year is almost over. I have 36 days until the last day of school. I've missed about 80 days this year. I know there are a lot of people who think I missed school because I just didn't want to go. To those people I say (with as much sarcasm as I can muster),"Yes I waste half my life laying in bed crying for the hell of it. Yes I love missing school and getting behind in all my classes. Yes I love being know as a failure." If you didn't guess I'm not in a very good mood. I'm in a lot of pain. My chest hurts so bad. I don't know what I did but it's hard to breath and I feel like I can't catch my breath. If it gets much worse I'm having my mom take me to the E.R. I feel like I'm physically falling apart. This has also made me cut more often which I know isn't helpful. I need to fix my problems fast. Sometimes I'm afraid for myself.

I do have some good news. I found out I might have a new place to live for the summer. My best friend -hugs- Ashley might take me in. I can't wait to leave this house. I can get away from all the bad temptations. I'll have no alcohol or smokes. I won't have to yell everyday. I just hope it all works out.

It started raining again... It seems the weather is like my mood, it will be bright and sunny then that one little cloud will get in the way. That cloud will ruin gardens and soak the friendly joggers. It's a sad cycle really. I just hope that stupid cloud can get out of the way soon . Sometimes I miss the sun.

Random advise: Sometimes you just need to cry to make yourself feel better.

-Mary'K

More problems

I feel like crying. My mom has been mean to me all day but I can't leave. I hurt so bad I don't even want to go for my daily walk. I feel like a five year old who can't do anything for themselves. I'm hungry but I don't think I'll be able to stand long enough to cook. I'm as healthy as ever yet I keep being short on breath. My chest keeps getting tight and my backs has been hurting more. My head hurts so bad. It's just been a bad day. I don't feel like typing anymore. I hurt my wrist so it's a pain to type. I hope tomorrow is better. I'll call my doctor tomorrow... sigh.

Random advise: A day can turn from bad to worse, you just have to remember that it could go from bad to great.

-Mary'K

The car (pointless post)

I just wrote out a whole 6 paragraphs about my night! Then it was all deleted. It's a sign. I'll just let you all know that I have a guy who likes me. I like him back too. We won't go out though. We dicided it's no what we want. If you're reading this thanks for trying to help Cait. Well it's time for bed. goddnight world. Pleasent dreams. (Btw, my manga was great and my back didn't hurt to bad. Thanks for asking Rei!)

Random advise: Sometimes it's better not to rush things.

-Mary'K

My brother's house

So today I went to my older brothers house. Me and my folks saw his soccer game and then we went back to my brother's house for lunch. Later I went shopping with my sister-in-law. I didn't get anything and she didn't get much but it was nice to get out. Later my older bro left and me, my nephew, my little brother and my sister-in-law got ice cream went to the library and stopped by the store. I got a book I need for school and a new manga series at the library! -excited- My head and neck hurt but I didn't bring any medicine. sigh. I'm hoping the couch I'm sleeping on tonight won't put my in too much pain.

All in all it was an ok day. Now I'm going to get back to my manga. Have a great night world!

Random advise:(Too tired to think of something)

-MK

My boring day

So today was pretty boring. I'm kinda tired to I'll list the events.

1)woke up waaaaayyyyyy to early
2)took a fast cold shower (stupid mom used all the hot water!)
3)Picked up my grandma and Great Aunt Elinor
4)My Aunt, Grandma, Mom, Dad, Brother, and I all went to my other aunt's funeral
5)boring funeral...
6)ate at the reception for the funeral
7)rode back home with all those people
8)napped in the car because I was to sleepy to get up
9)woke up half an hour after we got home
10)did some chores and messed around on my facebook
11)read some manga
12)went for a walk and cut my leg because of my stupid dog (I took the thing for a walk and I rolled of my pants since it was nice out, the stupid thing ran really fast after a squirrel and I fell down... sigh)
13)ate dinner and laughed at my mother who counted wrong (she made little burgers, three for each of us, but she counted wrong and only made 10 instead of 12. lmao)
14)watched Ponyo XD (loved it!)
15)wrote in my blog and is reading manga

It was a boring day but it wasn't bad. I only had one nose bleed (I've been getting a lot lately) and I feel pretty good. Now I'm going to finish my manga and watch LA Ink. Good Night World!

Random advise:Not everyday needs a goal. Sometimes it's nice to let things come as they will.

-MK

10 miles

All week I've felt bad. Today I was feeling better so I decided to go for a bike ride. My mom says I can't ride over the expressway. (Well she wasn't there.) lol. I biked about 2 miles on gravel and rocks (no bike trail) until I got to the park. I sat under a tree and read my book "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" (super good so far). It was so nice and peaceful. I was sitting next to a pond and once and a while a duck or goose would land in the water.

Since I biked faster than I'd thought I spent about a thirty minutes to myself until my friend came by. We biked a few more miles to "Bambino's" house. (Now me and Bambino have a funny story. You see I know he likes me and I like him, but we've never had a chance to really voice that to each other or talk about our feelings [scary thought]. It's like we can never find the time to get together. sigh.) I was really excited to see him and I waited outside. I was hoping we could talk. Have a serious conversation about what kind of relationship we have. All I got was a hug from him and a "What happened to your hair!" I assumed is was wind swept and it took six time for him to say that before he mentioned the color. It was all black. Since he's known me it's been all black. Now it's red and black and brown on bottom with blond on top. Plus my natural roots are coming in (dirty brown). It looks pretty bad. lol. Before I could say anything else he dropped something off in his house and didn't walk back outside.

It ended up I didn't see him again. Then my friend who met me at the park had to leave so I biked back home. I had to take the long way home since I got lost in his neighborhood and ended up coming out the wrong end. I biked about ten miles total. I ended up stopping at my friend Ashley's house. I was stressed so I vented a little bit which made me feel better. She is such a good friend. I don't know what I'd do without her. X)When I got home I found out I was locked outside because my brother took the only spare key. (My brother was at a friend's house, my dad was at a job interview, my mom was at work.) I sat outside about twenty minutes maybe less until my brother got back. I got inside, did the dishes (an hours worth. ugh.), cooked some spaghetti (my favorite meal), and picked up things around the house.

Now I'm pooped and now you know all about my day after school. lol. I'm going to get off now and watch some anime. Tomorrow I have to get up early for my aunt's funeral.

Random advise: If you don't have a good bike seat and you bike ten miles your butt will hurt more than your legs. X(

-Mary'K

Idk

I feel so lost right now. I have so much running through my mind. I have so many things I want to say. It's taking a lot out of me not to hurt myself.
Idk what else to say...

-MK

Awful

So I missed three days of school last week because I didn't feel well. I've missed over a quarter of the school year because I can't get better. I was sick Tuesday and Wednesday and went to school Thursday thinking I was better. I ended up staying home Friday because I wasn't better. My cousin spent Friday and Saturday night at my house. It took so much out of me not to complain about how I felt. Saturday I was at my older brothers and came to the discovery that I have ANOTHER bladder infection. This morning I was in tears and still went to church and tried to smile. Now I'm sitting home with just me and my dad. I think he's upset due to the fact I'm just mopey and depressed. I hate feeling like this.

My mothers comment to me always being sick is "You have to go to school". I used to love school. I used to love learning and reading and hanging out with friends but now I hate it. I hate school because I'm failing since I miss so much school. I hate hanging out with friends because the whole time I'm there I just want to cry and talk about my problems. I'm so self absorbed when I'm like this. I miss smiling and being happy. I miss who I used to be. My stomach hurts and my head aches and I want to cry. Things aren't going to work out with the guy I like either. My mother and I aren't on the best terms. I don't even talk to my sister that much anymore.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I feel better? Why does it seem the gods have cursed me?

Sorry to those who read this. This is how I vent. My best friend the computer. How pathetic. I feel so pointless. I asked my someone how they are always so happy. They said it's because they are blessed. They thank god for everything. What can I thank god for? bills? pain? hurt? lies?

If you think you can cheer me up please help. I think I've lost any hope for joy in my life. I'm getting worse. I just want to get better.

Random advise: There isn't always a silver lining.

-MK

My dye job

So my day of silence turned into a fail. I ended up talking the whole day because I had to pick out a phone for my mother and me to share. I'm not letting her get a crappy one. Then I went to dinner with my grandma at the diner called Tony's. This place serves a pound of bacon with almost every meal. The portions are crazy. I just got a sandwich (I'm boring lol). At the end of the day I went to the doctors and found out I had another bladder infection. sigh. My antibiotic made my hands break out too. So now I'm all blistered and in pain. I have to wear gloves tomorrow sigh.

I did say I was going to post some new pic so here's a few of my bad bleach job. I have none of my hair now because I haven't had the energy to take a good picture of me. lol.




I'll get some new ones up soon. If you were wondering I didn't talk to my sister yet. I had a chance but since she and my best friend are the only one I can talk to I didn't. I don't want her to look at me and worry that I hurt myself. I don't want her to look at me like I need help. It'd just ruin me and I know it. I'm doing ok now. I think I just need to make sure I don't build up my emotions to much. I might not get on for a while because tonight I'm cutting my hair. I know my mom will yell at me but I say to bad. X)

So I'm going to shower, finish my homework, and go to bed. Maybe tomorrow my friend can get me some smokes. I only have one left so I want some more. Lets hope he's in a good mood. lol. X)

Random advise: If you have a two page paper due don't wait until the last minute to finish it. oops.

-MK

Day of Silence

April 16, 2010.
This is the photo I put on my facbook and my blog. It's an old photo but I liked it best. If you don't know what this is read the following...

The Day of Silence, a project of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), is a student-led day of action when concerned students take some form of a vow of silence to bring attention to the name-calling, bullying and harassment -- in effect, the silencing -- experienced by LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) students and their allies.


I have many friends who are guy and know people who were victims. People who were bullyed for being themselves. I'm supporting them by keeping my silence that day. I'm proud to do it too. X)

http://blog.dayofsilence.org/ (I haven't read it but if you're interested.)

http://www.dayofsilence.org/index.cfm (The officail website)

Random advise: Silence... the only thing stronger than the spoken word.

-MK

scars, prom, boyscouts oh my!

First off with scars. I'm feeling much better now. I think I worried my friend Ashley. -hugs- I'm sorry. Today I had a bit of a melt down but I kept in check. I didn't hit anything or hurt my self. I did cry a bit. It helped. The scar on the side of my leg is healing up fast. Since I didn't get through that much skin it's OK. I'd have been sad if I couldn't wear short skirts anymore.

Next subject prom. Yes I was asked to prom. A friend of mine wants me to go with her and Bob(dream guy) to prom. All as friends. sigh. I'm still not sure if I will go. I'm still deciding.

The last subject boy scouts! Tomorrow night I'm going to help my mom out with this church thing. I asked my dream guy and his ex (the girl he is living with) if they could help. My dream boy is in boy scouts and needs volunteer hours. So he has to come in his uniform. I find this great because he is this 6' 4'' man who is NO twig. lmao. He's not chunky or anything, but he's not really fit either. I'm excited to see him tomorrow since I haven't seen him in a few weeks. -fan girl scream- Idk why but his in a boy scout uniform is hot in my mind. Even I find it a little weird when I think about it but... mmmmm. I find it amazing. If I get my camera working I'll take pictures. X)

Sorry I had things in catagories like this. I just had some main points that I wanted to type out. I will be on tomorrow. I'm gonna take some muscle relaxers (my back kills), a hot shower, and go to bed. Have a good day world.

Random advise: Life is like a broken elevator. We can't control if we go up or down. We can hope and pray but we have to handle the things on the floor we're put on.

-MK

The Shower Scene

Last night I had a bit of a melt down in the shower. I had some split ends so I brought the scissors in the shower. I had some weird laps of judgement next thing I knew I was carving a two foot line into my leg. I stopped before I did any real damage. I cried all last night. I'm so scared. I spent all morning in bed sleeping and crying with a pillow over my face. (I missed school) I decided this is my wake-up call. I have a problem. I called my sister not to long ago. I'm gonna hopefully hang out with her tomorrow. I'm going to talk with her. I'll show her some of my scares. Tell her the things I couldn't before. I just hope I don't chicken out. Now I'm going to finish me ice cream and go to bed. I hope tomorrow goes well. Good news my parents found out I got an F and a few D's in school. They didn't really care so plus side for me.

Random advise: The truth hurts but not as much as the weight from a web of lies.

-MK

Sleep @ School

So today was really boring. I'm so tired. I slept through almost every class. I know you might be thinking why would you post on such a boring day. When the answer is I'm probably gonna be grounded soon. I bet you are wondering why. Well it's because I got some bad grades. I got a litle careless and waited until the last day to hand in missing homework. The last day to hand stuff in I was sick. I don't really care but I know my folks will be pissed. Lovely XP. I'll post my grades when I get them. Along with my pictures. My camera is giving me issues so... sigh.

Anyway about today. I did next to nothing. At school I slept almost all day.
History: Notes (I slept)
Bio: Notes (I slept)
English: Movie (I slept)
Geometry: Notes (I slept)
Chem: Test and a lab (I aced the test XD and did my lab in twenty minutes)
lunch: FOOD X)
more Chem: (I slept)
Service Learning: This is a stupid class that is pointless. I talked with my friends and napped a little.
Algerbra 2: My computer math program (I read manga)

Then I came home and surfed the web. Later I did dishes and went to my friends house. Then I ate dinner and was on the computer. Now I'm gonna take a shower and go to bed. I hope tomorrow is more exciting.

Random advise: If life gives you lemons make lemonaid. If school gives you a comfty seat sleep in it. X)

-MK

Quiting is for quiters.

As you know or don't know I have many issues. I was talking to one of my friends from last year. He was the guy that showed me the difference between admiration and affection. I thought I liked him but really I loved him like a big brother. I think of him as the big brother I always wanted. X) I've been catching up with him and both of us are have some personal issues. He's told me somethings I never knew about him. We really opened up to each other.

Anyway I was telling him that I have a smoke or a drink everyday. Last year I had some great friends who helped me feel better so I didn't smoke or drink often. I didn't cut at all then. When he found out my bad habits he got up set. I thought he'd be angry and call me an attention hog. That when we started talking and he just made me feel a whole lot better. I felt so happy. Some one was worried about me. So yesterday I didn't have any alcohol or smokes. I actually had my last smoke a few days ago so I'm all out. I'm being a good little girl. X)

I've been in such a good mood lately. Today I spent the day making bread. lol. If you don't know homemade bread takes a lot of time and effort. It took me about 5 hours. I made some vegan, whole wheat, dairy free, honey wheat bread. It was really good. Even my mom complimented me. X) I cleaned my sheets and picked up my room. I even found my Ipod (I thought it was stolen) that's been gone for months. I need to get my cord back from my older brother so I can charge it. (He just got back from Kansas.)

So here's the last few days in a nut shell. Oh. Also there is no new blog. I didn't feel like writing it. I am working on a new story though so I might post it in my blog if I get around to typing it. Well I have school tomorrow so I should go to bed. I get to show off my new hair. I forgot to put that over break I stripped the black out(it turned red) and bleached it(it only took to my brown roots). Then I stripped it again(it turned lighter and brown) then I bleached it(it burnt to bad so we had to take it off). Then we dyed it a icky light brownish color(it has to look semi natural for school). I'll make sure to post picture when I get them on the computer. I'm gonna read a new yaoi I found X) and go to bed. I had no nightmares last night so cross your fingers for another good night for me.

Random advise: What's the best way to find the manga you're looking for? Go to ask.com X) I <3 YAOI!!! -fangirl scream-

-Mary'K

new blog

Nothing special is going on. I just thought I'd let the one person who reads this know I'm not dead yet. Also I'm going to start a new blog. My doctor wants a food journal so I'm making a food blog. I'll post my food and measurements daily. Now I feel like reading manga. Know any good Yaois?

Random advise: At an Apostolic-Pentecostal church speaking in tongues does not mean other languges. So don't be like me and go to a service with some friends and start speaking Italian. It's a no no.

-Mary'K

Home Sick

Everyone has their good days and their bad days. I'm not sure what today was. Let me start with yesterday.
So yesterday I went to the doctors and the chick said I need to go on a diet. Now I know I'm a big girl. I do weigh 210 but I also have double D's and broad shoulders. Plus I'm about 5'6''. She told me I need to lose weight and drop a few sizes. I'm a size 16! That's just above if not average. I think I'm fine they way I am and it took me all day to figure that out. That was yesterday.
Today I stayed home sick. My head hurt really bad. I think I might have some anxiety issues. I don't want to say I do but I think I might. I just wish I could talk to a trained professional about all my issues. Here are the problems... I don't have the balls to talk to my sis. I don't want to talk to my folks. I don't want my friends to know. I now hate my family doctor. I'm such a screw up.
Anyway I'm gonna finish up my English project. I'll post some pictures tomorrow if I can. I'm crossing my fingers for a better day tomorrow.

Random statement: Gorilla glue is really great for gluing bark to plastic.

-Mary'K

Winter Guard

I'm not quite sure what to write. Everything has been a blur lately. I've had a lot of guys in my life lately too. My friend Tyler has been talking to me a lot lately. I miss him. You see he goes to my old school and I won't see him next year because he's going to college. Then my other friend wants to have sex with me. I said I don't want to and he keeps asking. It's not like he's making me but he'll ask and give a puppy dog face. It's kinda cute really but no is no. Then my friend (we'll call him bob)Bob... well there's not much to tell. I went to his winter guard performance (it's like color guard). He gave me the best back rub ever X). Then later we were in the school hallway trying to leave. It was packed (one hallway and over 20 teams). SO he pushed me against the wall and it was funny until he started tickling me. You see our other friend (his ex) is shorter than me. So he meant to tickle my lower stomach... well since I'm taller he went a little lower. I could feel my face turn red. He said sorry but I really wish he'd done it on purpose. He's like perfect for me but he doesn't like me. He's so perfect for me. He's tall, smart, good with cars, like the same music, likes the same books (we read the same series), we both like anime, and he wants to get a motorcycle (HOTTTT). I want one really bad too. I don't know what to do. I don't know where my life's going. No one said life was easy though. I smile more so that's enough for me. When I think of Bob everything melts away. If I think of doing something stupid I won't because I know if I do I won't see him. I even stopped cutting!! If I ever to get with him I don't want to fear that I might tear a scab. I hate using the word love but... I think I might need to use it if I get my way.

Random fact: Winter guard is way to hard if you are flexible, fast, and coordinated. It's hard for me anyway...

-Mary'K

I'm alive

There's not much to say. I just wanted people to know I'm still here. I just got back from a two mile jog and two mile walk. Now I'm bored. I'm pressed even more to talk to my mom aswell since stupid me had a breakdown at school and cut my leg. I think I got it infected. I guess I should have know not to use that rusty screw I found in the hall way. I'm taking a shower than I might read. I just hope the room stops spinning first. I haven't had any med for two days either so that's not helping the cause. My mom need to refill her pills...

Random fact: My mother is sitting behind me watching t.v. It is so weird to type this knowing she's only 2 yards away. If only she would look at the screen. If only I wasn't a coward.

-Mary'K

Nothing

There is nothing really important to say. I just can't think of what to do. I can't consintrate on homework or even read a book. (I love reading) So now I can't think of what to do. I did find out my parents are very unobservent. On facebook sometimes I'll put a sad status. Nothing strange or out of the ordianry. I type out things I would say all the time, but it seems like everyone knows somethings wrong. I noticed if someone hasn't seen my face they know how I feel. My one friends sent me a message saying they're just a phone call away I responded I'm fine and if I need something I'll call. I ended it with a smiley face. After I sent it I started crying. Why can't I just tell people the truth. Also I totaly chickened out when I tried talking to my sis. So what did I do... I opened an old scar.

I got rid of any razors in my room. I even threw out my tweesers! I did all I could to keep myself safe. No matter what I do I still find something... I'll break a plastic spoon... I'll get a pencil... I'll find a saftey pin... I've used my nails (I cut them down to nubs now).

I just wish someone would stop me but only one person knows. She doesn't know how bad it is. Recently I can't just slice. I scratch and scratch until I have a two inch deep scar. I'm scared. I started crying again. I'm gonna take something and lie down. I can't go to bed since I have to babysit my little bro later.

Random statment: Pie can equal two things... either it's a type of pastery or 3.14159... (I hate math class)

-Mary'K