Feeling worse (I hate feeling all emo)

Tonight I start my anti-depressants. It's a good thing too. I've felt really depressed. Since my friend is having all these pregnancy things come up it's been bugging me. You see I haven't known the best guys in the world. I keep having bad dreams. It sucks. This is one guy for example. Freshman year (last year) I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of the year. I was stressed I didn't want to let anyone know. I just wanted it gone. Then when I had a miscarriage three weeks later I was so sad. Few of my friends and none family know. It was the worse experience ever. The guy wasn't there for me either. He was 18 and just felt like leaving me with no number or contact info at all.

Some people say I don't know hurt. When I get headaches they tell me to tough it out because I don't know pain. I tell those people to fuck off because they don't understand. The miscarriage is the reason I have all these infections I think too. They happened around the same time. I can't stand who I am sometimes. I feel like a broken, fat, ugly, stupid, crazy, depressed person who has no hold on their life.

I wish I could get better.
I wish I could be happy.
I wish I didn't have to hurt myself to feel better.
I wish I wasn't me.

Random advise: Depression hurts so who will help?

-Mary'K

(P.S. Please don't give me some pity party. It's the last thing I want. I didn't write this so you would feel bad for me. I wrote it to tell you about me and my current life and nightmare.)