So I went to what I thought was therapy today. I was wrong. I went to get assessed, but first we had paperwork. We had almost twenty pages of it. I swear I wrote out my life's story. It asked questions like "when did you start crawling?" and "When did you first smile?". We ended up taking over forty-five minutes on just paperwork.
Once we finished I had a lady ask me and my mother a bunch of questions. I freaked out and decided not to tell the truth. I smiled and laughed and acted like nothing was wrong with me. I lied when they asked if I smoke. I let my mom tell the lady I only drink every once in a while in front of my parents. It'll only be one glass of wine. I said I'm a devoted Catholic who loves my church. I said I never want to hurt myself or other people. I said I have never even thought of cutting. The woman thought I didn't need therapy. She said in a few weeks I can leave it if I want because she saw nothing wrong with me. This was due to my acting skills.
The rest of the day I spent with my mom up until now. We got lunch and rented some movies. We watched Valentines Day. We also stopped by the bank and her church. I want to cry now. I feel like I failed myself. No. I know I failed myself. I keep saying I need help but I always quit in the end. I have to wait until my real appointment now. Another two weeks of worry.
I'm ready for this to be over. I want my head to stop hurting. I want my back and neck to stop causing me pain. I want to stop crying. I want to stop hurting myself. I want to be more confident. I want to really smile and not just grin so other will be happy. I want a life. I want a life that's not my own.
Random advise: Sometimes acting can get you out of trouble. Other times it can pull you deeper into trouble.
-Mary'K
About Me
- EviltwinMK
- GB, Michigan, United States
- We all have our own story. We all have certain things we do that keep us sane. Those certain things that constitute as our sanities. Well these are my sanities. These are the sanities of a crazy person...
Why, darling?! You've got to do this for yourself! This will never end unless you're honest about it... I'm sorry, but I'm really disappointed in you... The more you deny it, the worse it's going to get and you're going to be the only one to blame...
ReplyDelete+Rei+
I know. I can't believe how stupid I am sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that... I am just trying to be part of your support system and that doesn't help any... You're not stupid... You're unsure and somewhat afraid of what is going on in your head, that's normal. What you need to do is call them and tell them that you'd like another assessment... Tell them that you were scared or whatever you were feeling during the first one and that you weren't honest... Darling, I cannot stress how important a psych evaluation is in your treatment... You need help, you need therapy and medication and you have to be honest with these people.
ReplyDeleteI used to think that they were all quacks and idiots, too. I fought the system all the way until I finally came to realize that they were trying to help me... You don't want to end up like me, trust me. If I'd gone through with and followed a treatment plan when I was a teenager, I wouldn't be the mentally and physically scarred person that I am now...
Don't let what your family and friends might think effect you getting help for yourself, they all come around in time. There is a lot of stigma still involved with mental illness and it turns a lot of people away from getting the help they need. None of it is true. You're not crazy, you don't need hospitalization, you just need therapy and the proper medication to stabilize yourself...
Don't let this spiral out of control, please. Remember that I'm just trying to help you through this... I will be with you every step of the way, even if it is only through the internet... I want to know about your progress and I want you to feel better. If I have to type three page comments every time you have an issue, I will... XD
Please, do this over again and get the help you need before it is too late... <3
+Rei+
They're closed right now. I'll make sure to call tomorrow. I promise. I know you're here to help. I really appreciate it.
ReplyDelete-Mary'K