What I want and what I need use to be two different things... now they seem to be the same... :/
It seems I always go towards the medicine cabinet. Or I'll grab my tweezers to cut myself. I can't even use a razor. I don't feel the pain I want. I want to feel better but it seems like I'll feel good and get worse. I spend my money on drugs and I worry what'll happen when I run out. If my parents didn't have so many pain killers... I don't know where I'd be. When I get money I have to spend it fast or I know I'll go and get more of what I want. I feel horrible for being like this.
Last night I was up until four and couldn't sleep. My back hurt and I went to my stash of pills. I had Lortab, Tromadol, Vicodin, and my last bit of Coke. I was upset with myself for haveing to take these. I threw them at the wall. Powder fell and I felt the urge to lick it off the walls. I wiped it up but still wanted it. I want to feel that relief. I stayed up until 5 cleaning and crying. I ended up taking 3 Lortab and 2 Vicodin. Then I made a new cut. I feel like a failure. I am one. I wish I didn't need this. Before it was just something that helped me feel better. Now I feel like shit with out it.
I'm not sick anymore. That's how I found out how fucked up I am. I'm sick without my pills and with out pain. I just don't know what to do. When my mom gets back I want to make an appointment for some medicine. My therapist gave me the number. I just want to be who I was before all of this. :/
Random advise: You think that you're fine until you can't stop.
-Mary'K
About Me
- EviltwinMK
- GB, Michigan, United States
- We all have our own story. We all have certain things we do that keep us sane. Those certain things that constitute as our sanities. Well these are my sanities. These are the sanities of a crazy person...
You cut yourself with tweezers? I didn't even think that was possible... Interesting... And I told you to be careful with the drugs, now you're at least somewhat addicted. The reason I say somewhat is because of the fact that you made it online to talk about this, instead of trying to pawn off shit to get more... Take it from a former coke addict, get the fuck away from that shit... If you have to, keep taking the pain killers, but stay the fuck away from the coke. How does someone your age even pay for coke anyway?
ReplyDeleteI think I've given you every bit of positive advice that I can give one person... I really don't know what to say anymore, MK... But please stop telling people how fucked up you are... I can't stand it when people go on and on about how crazy and fucked up they are... You want fucked up? Visit some of the loony bins I've been in and you'll see it... You're a normal kid with some issues that can be solved... I hope you get all of this straightened out and that you can become the person you want to be... <3
+Rei+
When it comes to tweezers it's more like scraping and scraping and it looks like a cut in the end. As for the coke I normaly don't have much on hand. I go and hang out with a bunch of kids who'll share. I use to hang out with them anyway. I don't see them anymore and I have nothing left so don't be to worried about the coke. sorry. Sorry I bitch so much. I know it's not that bad but I know it could and should be a lot better. Anough of my complaining. I just want to thank you for being here and helping.
ReplyDelete-Mary'K
That's a unique method, to say the least. The reason I worry so much about the coke is because of all of your physical ailments... The way it speeds up your heart and shit, I just worry that you might end up having some sort of complication that could lead to death... And we don't want that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think you're bitching and you don't have to apologize... We'll get this bullshit turned around eventually! <3 *Hugs*
+Rei+