Vagina/BDay Problems

I bet you read that title and thought what the fuck is wrong now. Well among the many 'ologists I've seen latly I recently went to the urologists. I keep getting infections -gestures- down there and it's really annoying. So we saw a specialist. He said we have to do two things in the next mounth.
1) Next week... I have to go in and they have my legs up in braces why I'm just sitting there for the world to see. I got a paper that says "You will be catheterized to measure your residule urine, that catheter will be removed and a smallertest catheter will be inserted." Plus "an abdominal pressure sensor will be placed into the vagina." So that all mean they're going to shove a tube up my piss hole and suck the special concoction they put in me out of me. Plus amid doing all of this they're going to ask questions about the sensations I get as my bladder fills and unfills.
2) The two weeks after... I have to get strapped in like before. -sigh- Then they are going to enlarge my bladder. To do this they'll knock me out (I'm so freaked out about this) then after that I have no fucking idea what is going to happen. I have to call the doc tomorrow.

So it all pretty much sucks. On top of it I have some creeper of and old dude doing the procedure. So much fucking fun. I need a drink... -two shots of scotch- I rather drink before the procedure instead of anesthesia. I trust my liquior more than I do those doctor. I'm also worried cause I didn't put down I drink on the papers they gave me. I would put down smokeing too but I haven't had any in a while. -sigh- I also didn't put down that I might be dpressed, but my mom was with me so I didn't.
She's the main cause of my fuck ups. Today was also my little brothers BDay. I took some of my mom's pain pills and a bit of scotch at like 2 in the morning yesterday so I slept most of the day. I feel bad for him. He might not be the best brother in the world but I don't ever want him to feel the way I do half the time. I want him to have lots of friend. I want him to get a girlfruend and sneak out to go to the movies, not sneak out so he can sit on the roof or go for a walk and cry. I want him to get could grade and want to go to school. Unlike me who doesn't frankly care. I want him to like himslef and not hurt his body. I don't want him to have all these health issues like I do. I want him to be happy. I was so fucked up last night I didn't even make him a present.
I just hope he's happier than I ever am. I don't want to catch him writing out his problems in a blog crying because he feels like his life is one big as fuck job gone wrong. I have one good friend, but I want him to be swarmed with friends.

-Mary'K

Random advise:Having a male doctor and being female sucks ass. And don't forget; those you love you have to keep in your heart, or else they'll slip through the cracks. Then what is left for you to keep in your heart if it's empty?