So I'm now seeing a therapist twice a month. I had my first appointment last week. My mom was in there for 40 minutes talking about how I'm a happy kid and I'm not depressed. (I've even told her I'm depressed but she won't believe it!) I spent the last 20 minutes talking about my life. We only got to 8Th grade. As I was talking I kept thinking of things that I didn't want to remember. The therapist wanted to know all the major points in my life but I didn't want to say somethings. I didn't want to tell her when I lost my virginity, when I'd gotten pregnant, when I'd first cut. All the major reasons I'm the way I am today. The reasons I'm not a happy child. I've never told anyone any of those stories. I don't want to.
Yesterday my friends bf made things worse. I was still down about the appointment and he brought up how I was innocent. Then my friend laughed because she knows I'm not a virgin. He was like "WTF?! You're only 15! When did you lose it?" I didn't answer. I almost cried. I thought about the guys in my life. I hate how I look because of them. Some people say I'm pretty but they never did. After being with me I would be told I was ugly and fat... it wasn't nice things lets just say and end it there.
You might not understand half of what I'm saying. It's ok you don't need to. It's more of a mindless rant. I just feel so lost and sad. I can't lose bad memories and I don't want to confront them. I know I have to though. On a good note I haven't cut, drank , or smoked since June 3rd. Well I can't drink with my new medication. It does stuff to even out levels in my blood and if I drink to much my lungs hurt and it's hard to breath. I couldn't smoke because I was sick and broke. Now I'm on a roll so I don't want to ruin it. Cutting is the hardest thing to stop but I'm doing ok. No suicidal thoughts or anything so I'm not worried.
Now I'm going to be on the computer for a few hours and then clean. I don't want to sleep since I've been having nightmares. I woke up last night crying and sweating. sigh. I'm finished with the rant now. Good night.
Random quote: "I am not interested in money, i just want to be wonderful." - Marilyn Monroe
-Mary'K
About Me
- EviltwinMK
- GB, Michigan, United States
- We all have our own story. We all have certain things we do that keep us sane. Those certain things that constitute as our sanities. Well these are my sanities. These are the sanities of a crazy person...
This is anything but "mindless", Mary... People have done and said horrible things to you over the course of your short life. You are hurting and you are trying your best to hang on in a very difficult situation that is hard for anybody to handle...
ReplyDeleteDon't listen to assholes that give you shit about when you lost your virginity... They're most likely not getting any anyway, and if you want to sleep with someone, that's your business and fuck the rest of them. I lost mine when I was 13, so you're not alone in losing it early...
I don't want to sound like a bitch, but your mother sounds like a serious cuntbag that is either completely fucking oblivious to what's going on around her or she's having a very severe case of denial... Don't let her be involved in your treatment, please... She's only hurting you in the long run and you're old enough to have your own therapy sessions without her present...
I understand all of what you're saying, darling. I want to help in any way that I can... Please don't think that you're alone! <3 *Hugs*
+Rei+
Wishing you all success possible.
ReplyDeletedaily athens