No longer depressed

I feel like a contradiction. I miss the touch of people. Giving a hug, holding hands. Just the simple things. But I'm scared to touch anyone. I'm afraid a friendly touch will turn badly so if I'm touched by someone I let go. Right now it's not like I'm in a bad or depressed mood. I just feel lonely. I mean the computer is great but not the same as a person. I just feel kind of empty. I just don't know how to handle it anymore. Lashing out won't help and cause of my feel I can't right up hug someone for more than a few seconds. :( I just feel kind of empty and lost.
The one thing I fear most is I'll never come to terms with myself. I'll end up alone to scared to make a move forward and to hurt and rejected to get help.

I can really feel the with draws too. I'm tempted to go home just to take some pills. I thought back today. Thinking were I went wrong. I remember when I was little. Around 9. Before anything went wrong. When I loved all my family and friends. When I wasn't sick. Wasn't scared. Wasn't hurt. I remember the day at school I hated most. I was in the library at my old school. My little private catholic school. I was in my knee high socks and pleated skirt. I loved my uniform. I remember these two boys. They started making fun of me. Calling me fat. Calling me ugly. Telling me I was dumb. And I believed them. They made me mad and I tried chasing them. We were running all around the library. The librarian took us to the office for it. That's when I started lieing. The moment I went into the principles office. I knew it wasn't my fault but I knew I'd still be in trouble. I let out my emotions and started to cry. From being so angry and hurt by those guys. When the principle said it was ok and told me to calm down I put on my show face. I started acting like a true artist. Saying that I didn't mean to cause trouble. Saying i didn't want to call my parents cause they were at work and would be angry. Saying when they were mad they yelled at me and made me feel bad. That day o discovered I could make people believe anything. I didn't get in trouble. My parents still don't know.

I've been an actor almost half my life. For years I made up truths to make me sound how I should. Make it so I wouldn't get on trouble. So I wouldn't get hurt. Now I look in the mirror wondering why'd I let it go this far. Drinking. Street drugs. Persription drugs. Over the counter. Cuts. Bruises. Abuses. Smoking. I even cut my hair. I'm fat and the only thing that let me feel safe was my hair. Now it nearly reaches the tip of my nose. I lost myelf. I have no one to blame. No one but me. I'm not even sad anymore. Not angry or upset. Maybe a little disapointed. But mostly empty.

Random question: would you have rather loved and lost it or have never loved at all.

-Mary'K