I know almost every blog is depressing. This isn't much different...
So those anti-depressants were working pretty well. The only problem is I'm to good of an actor. I smile and pretend life is good. My mom says I don't need them because I'm not depressed. She says I just want something to make myself feel better and I don't really need it. So I haven't taken them for a week or so. I can really see the effects. I just can't show my mom. My mom even saw some of my scars on my stomach. I couldn't tell her that there is more that I hurt so much. She just blew it off.
I've officially lost one of my few friends. I'm down to only two now. My friend said he'd be there if I need him. He wasn't there. I hate this. I hate that I hurt so much. Now one of my two friends Caitlyn says she's always be there for me. Well that guy said he would be there for me. So did the guy who knocked me up. So did my use-to-be best friend. (I started crying again) I was crying on the phone with Caitlyn. She asked me if I was crying. I said no. You know you suck when you can't even tell your best friend that you hurt.
My nose is stuffed. My throat hurts. I keep coughing. My stomach still hurts. My chest still hurts. Some times I just wish I had the courage to give up.
I mean what the fuck do I have left! I may be smart but I'm sick so much I don't know anything! I may be pretty(that's what people say at least) but what is the use of that? What a good man when I grow up? It won't matter cause I'll always feel like shit! What do I have? Really?! You can tell me something I have but I'll tell you why it's fucked up and doesn't matter.
When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up I could list off a million jobs. All I really want is to smile. A real smile. I want to just feel happy. I just feel like that'll never happen. My health keeps getting worse. I fall deeper into depression. I'm so upset I don't care anymore. I just want to have all the pain go away. Yet I can never come to "really" hurt myself. You know your life is sick and twisted when you're mad at yourself because you won't kill yourself.
Random advise: Sometimes it's best to just give up....
-Mary'K
About Me
- EviltwinMK
- GB, Michigan, United States
- We all have our own story. We all have certain things we do that keep us sane. Those certain things that constitute as our sanities. Well these are my sanities. These are the sanities of a crazy person...
I swear, if I were with you in person right now, I'd slap you across the fucking face... Do you know what your problem is? You can't be honest with anyone about your problems. You lie to yourself, to your friends, family, mental health professionals, etc. and you wonder why you're miserable. The reason you want to kill yourself is because you've stopped taking your pills and that's what happens when you just stop psychiatric medication...
ReplyDeleteStop being a fake. Be honest with people, be your fucking self and stop denying that there's something wrong with you. Hell, the reason you probably have half of the medical problems you do is because of stress caused by this fake life you live in front of everybody else, and it's eating away at you inside and causing physical symptoms...
I'm not beating around the bush with you anymore, Mary, because I think I've done my part in trying to help you and to guide you through this, but apparently my words have fallen upon deaf ears and/or blind eyes...
Until you want to help yourself and be honest with people, this is going to be how it is... I've tried everything to help you avoid all of the bullshit I went through as a teenager, but apparently you don't want my help... *Sigh* I don't know what else to say to you... I'm fucking disgusted...
+Rei+
Being a bit speachless, the only thing that comes to mind is the about 500 year old saying, that "if I knew the world would end tomorrow, tonight I would plant an apple tree."
ReplyDelete